My brothers best friend (kellin Quinn x Reader)

Chapter 53

Kellin's PoV:

It's been 4 weeks since she died and everyday the pain drowns me more and more slowly talking me under until I cant breathe and my regular panic attack kick in. I'd been having panic attacks almost everyday sometimes even 4-5 times on a bad day.

Katelynne was understanding until around a week ago when she couldn't take it anymore and said I 'needed to move on' and 'what was so special about her?' Of course she was angry at me and didn't really mean to say that stuff hopefully? I didn't really no anymore, I didn't speck to her couldn't even look at her most the time she hadn't done anything wrong just looking at her and hearing her say those three words 'I love you' just made me want to cry until I became numb because they were the words I could never say to the one person that mattered most.

"Kels come on we are going to be late" Katelynne called from downstairs, today was her funeral I didn't want to go but I did all at once.

(At the funeral)

Her send off was truly heartbreaking watching Nick stand and cry through all the memories he had of his sister because that's all he will have left of her now and any of us will have left of her just distant memories. Her dad did a small speech which was cut even shorter by his uncontrollable cries.

Then it was my turn. I took my place on the stand and wiped my eyes of the tears that had already fallen.

"I don't quit think I will deliver such a moving speech like the others did but I do want to say a few things" I stop and feel my heart beating faster and faster thinking of her in the only way I could dead, cold, covered in blood and in my arms.
"Everyone is probably thinking y/n didn't mean that much to me but she meant more than anyone will ever no and not even she knew how much I cared and- and" I stopped trying to stop myself from saying the words that I knew would shatter me "and loved her" I looked down and wiped my eyes hard trying to keep in those tears that were fighting to get out.

"My main message I wanted to get across was that don't waste a moment of the time you have with someone and always tell them the truth of how you feel because I made the mistake of bottling my love up and now she will never no-" I said finally lifting my head up from the stand and looking around the room scanning everyone's upset faces,
until my gaze landed on her and everything stopped as my heart dropped to my stomach the look of anger and sadness riddled her face as she stood and walked towards the exit.

I moved from the stand as fast as I could running after her before she was gone.

"Katelynne!" I shout running out of the building and towards her "Kate" I said more calmly as I came closer to her.

"You loved her!" She almost screams "kellin fucking answer me!" This time she was screaming in floods of tears.

I just look down at my shoes then back up at her with glassy eyes the truth written all over my face.

"Oh- oh my god you did" she whispers falling back onto a bench that was just to the left of her "why didn't you tell her? Why did you lead me on for so many years and build a family with me if you loved her? Did you ever love me?"

"Kate I do love you I-I didn't think I loved her I just thought it was a stupid crush that had been coming and going since I was like 15! I didn't no it was love until it was to late" I slumped down on the other side of the bench resting my head in my hands.

"Kels you don't have a crush on someone for over 15 years and think you don't have some sort of love for them?" Katelynne's voice was calm but shaky as she messed with her finger nails slowly ripping them from her skin.

"I'm so sorry Kate im so fucking sorr-" she cut me off "shh just shut up please I can't hear your sorry right now" she stopped me letting the silence fill all around us.

She stood looking down at me as I looked up "don't come home tonight or for a few nights I need some time to think" she said walking off and into the car we both came in.
I didn't stop her just sat and watched the car leave the small car park, I was going to do what she said just stay away from her for a while let her figure stuff out just like I needed to figure what I needed to do out.

(A week later)

I had been staying with my parents for a week now, I hadn't spoken to anyone explicitly not Katelynne, the last time I spoke to her around 4 days age she told me she made up her mind and didn't want to be married to me anymore and I would be getting the Divorce papers very soon. As for Copeland kate had dropped her off at my parents house twice this week for me to see her which I was grateful for with out Copeland right now I don't no what I would do.

I've thought about it, ending it all I mean my life is falling apart beneath me I was getting a Divorcee, losing my house, making my kid unhappy by not being back home, making my parents and everyone else worry about me I mean I'm just making everyone's life's hell! But I couldn't do it to everyone especially Copeland and Nick. Copeland just lost her favourite 'cool ant' as she called her and Nick just lost his sister he really doesn't need his best friend leaving on him too.

Nick was the only person I'd talked to about this we where sort of each others safe place over the last few weeks constantly checking in on each other and keeping no secrets of how we felt, he was my best friend and we needed to be their for each other now more than ever.

Nick hadn't been doing good in a deep depression but he was getting help the doctors had offered the both of us therapy after what we seen but I wasn't ready for that yet but Nick was getting on well with it as far as I could see he was very, very slowly starting to pull through this pit of depression but as soon as he thought of her he feel back down and you could tell by his instant mood changes but he's trying his best and that's more then anyone can expect from him right now.

(8 months after y/n's death)

8 almost 9 months now and my life couldn't of changed more. I moved out of my parents house into my own small house, Katelynne had our second baby just after we finalised the divorce, less then 3 months after that she got with this new guy called Alex, around 3 weeks ago Copeland decided she wanted to come and live with me and only stay at Katelynne's on Mondays and Wednesdays, I got to have baby Ava every weekend, I started writing music again and life was getting better less panic attacks and the anti depressions my therapist had given me have really helped not helped enough to drown out all the pain but some of it.

As for Nick he was doing really well, he just found out baby number 2 is on its way and he couldn't be more happy to hear it was a little girl and the smile on his face when his wife told him she wanted to call the baby y/n was truly priceless.

Life felt worth living again in these last few months and I no longer only seen her dead in my arms I imagined her warm, cozy, peaceful and lead in my arms lightly sleeping every night I went to sleep I had to think of her next to me to fall asleep, I knew it was strange but I asked my therapist and she said it was completely normal to take comfort in the thought of her by your side.

Sometimes I can almost feel her watching me just there with me, maybe she was in spirit or as a ghost? Who knew if that was even possible all I knew is that I took comfort in imagining her cuddling up on the couch, snuggling in my bed sheets, just being there with me all the time by my side through everything I go through and most of all I take comfort in the whispered 'I love you' I say every night to her just incase some how she could hear me because even now 8 months after she's passed I still mean it just as much as I did the day I realised I loved her and I will always love her in 10 months to come, a year to come, 10, 20,30! years to come! I will love her every day until I die and hopefully see her again when I can finally look into her eyes and say those words 'I love you'.

(Ok this is the actual end I really wanted to add these last 2 parts bc i thought it would be a better way to leave the story so I hope you liked it and once again thanks for the reads x)