New Beginnings|~| COMPLETED

Chapter 62

4 days later
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Well, we're home. Eleanor has done so good the last couple days. We've actually been home for 2 days so far and Colby's parents came over yesterday to meet her.

She was such a joy to all of us and all of the kids were super helpful, especially Maddie.

Postpartum though, has been rough so far. I don't really want to get out of bed and I haven't really had much of an appetite either so I'm not producing the healthiest milk.

Which therefore means that Eleanor may need to go on formula.

I was in our bed with Eleanor and Chance was laying at the end of the bed, watching tv.

I was trying to feed her but she kept spitting it up.

It was frustrating, I wanted to cry.

"Come on baby doll, just eat for mommy please" I said and again, she turned her head.

It made me angry. So then I started to cry.

"Mom are you- hey! Are you okay?!" Maddie exclaimed and ran in a few seconds later.

I took a big breath and sobbed.

She grabbed Eleanor and went to the door.

"Dad!" She called.

Colby came in and came over to me.

He fixed my shirt and squatted down to me.

"Hey, what's happening?" He asked.

"She- she won't eat and- and I feel like a failing m-mother" I sobbed.

"Oh honey" he said and stood up, pulling my head into his stomach.

"Maddie, take your sister downstairs and make her a bottle out of the frozen milk" Colby directed her.

Maddie left the room and I cried until I had no choice but to calm down.

"I'm right here" he said and brushed my hair from my face.

"Talk to me" he said.

"I just don't want to eat and so my milk isn't good enough for her, I feel like I'm giving up on her" I said.

"Hey, your not giving up or failing her. I know that it hasn't been easy the past week but I'm right here, I'm your husband, I'm gonna be here for you forever" he said.

"No I know. But every time I eat, I throw it up. I don't have the energy to get up, I feel like crap all the time and I know that I'm not only hurting my body but I'm hurting Ellie" I explained.

"I'm gonna make you an appointment to figure out what's going on, okay? The baby will be fine, I want you to focus on yourself and try to take a second to breathe" Colby told me and gave my knee a squeeze.

I nodded and leaned back against the head board.

I used to be young, smart, healthy, pretty. I found the best guy in the world to spend the rest of my life with when I was 23 and I'm forever thankful and grateful for him.

But now, 15+ years later, I just don't see myself as I should. I look terrible, pale, fat, unhealthy and old. I look sick.

I stood up and walked to our bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror.

My shirt had leak spots and spit up on it, my hair was pulled up messily and felt dirty.

My face was bear and broke out. I looked terrible.