Writing Tips and Reviews

Calamity Trio of Boring Part 3

Edit from the future: The kid that Luz and Amity have is NOT an oc from the creator. She is someone else's oc who has permitted people to use it WITH CREDIT. Add credit to the original creator of oc PLEASE. Even the Specter of Glass has a credit section (grant it, it's on my DA) saying who each oc belongs to. No oc theft PLEASE.

I got into a contract where I have to review the entire story and I'm at least happy the author is positive with how he's taking criticism. It could be worse, we could be dealing with Shawn who deals with criticism as well as a nuclear bomb that handles pressure. But, now onto the notes about this part. From here on out, I'm not going to compare Roman's actions to a child predator as I feel like that's an unspoken fact now and no one needs constant reminders he stalked kids, waited until they grew up, and kidnapped them to abuse them as adults.

I would like to NOT have a trigger warning about grooming in every part.

I've also been told that Roman's actions are supposed to be disgusting as he is an anti-hero, but he's never going to be on the levels of Yuri Lowell. (I'm not saying Yuri is a predator, he's anti-hero.) Just because he's a disgusting predator doesn't mean he gets a pass on how boring he is. His motivations are still poorly written and the lack of explaining why anything happens is still a problem. Yuri is a fun anti-hero because of his views of the world and how he justifies his actions. He also doesn't abuse kids, so that helps.

As for the review itself, I want to pick scenes from chapters 4 to 6, because as much as I'd love to milk this for all it's worth, I have an FGO and a PGR story to get back to.

CHAPTER 4

The man's demeanor shifted noticeably as he moved through the labyrinthine corridors of the Ark, his usual commanding presence dulled to something far more subdued. He carried himself with a heaviness that caught the attention of guards and personnel alike. Salutes were returned with faint, almost robotic nods, his gaze fixed resolutely on the floor. The hum of the Ark's systems and the steady rhythm of his boots against the metal floor did little to drown out the storm of thoughts swirling in his mind.

Each step felt heavier than the last, weighed down by the crushing burden of his recent actions. The figure who once stood as a symbol of authority and ruthlessness now seemed like a shadow of his former self, a man lost in the labyrinth of his creation.

This isn't too bad of a beginning, but I wish this type of writing was present throughout the story. I like it when authors can explain how their character is feeling with actions and not words, which is in short supply lately.

Also, because Roman is a new character, he gets explained. This is more than I can expect from Shawn who thinks you can zap into her brain, know everything about her ocs, and know exactly what she's writing. The problem is that no other character gets this treatment.

One image lingered on the screen: Luz and Amity, their faces lit with joy as they celebrated a small victory. His finger hovered over the keyboard, his breathing uneven. A single tear escaped, sliding down his cheek as he whispered, "I'm sorry, Luz. I truly am."

But his words carried a chilling undercurrent, a forewarning even he didn't want to acknowledge. "If you force my hand... if you intervene again..." He let the thought trail off, unwilling to finish the sentence. The gravity of what he might do next was etched into his face, the lines of regret deepening.

You see, as much as I like how the writing sets up Roman's emotions, I don't care. The previous chapters have given him little screen time, and when he is on screen, he's a jackass. And I don't know anything about him. Besides the fact the reason he hates Anne is because she was thrown into a building and collapsed, but instead of blaming the person who attacked her, he blames her. He's also shown no personality other than thinking it's okay to stalk kids and wait until they're adults... and I'm not saying more than that.