𝐁𝐔𝐍𝐍𝐘 - 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆

43 | I Loved Him

Our youth down the drain, and I take all of the blame
For all of the countless times that you've cried
✰

We've been back for almost a whole day and I already felt a huge relief.

I haven't seen Felix around much today though, Seungmin mentioned he stayed in his room since everything happened but swears it for his studies and not because of me. Still, I wasn't sure where we stood.

I sat with my legs crossed beside the pool, not allowing my feet to touch the water but letting my hand dance in the cold water.

Minho stood not far behind me as he talked with Chan, truthfully I didn't pay much attention—I was close enough to hear but mentally I was far from here.

Carson's invite lurked in the deepest parts of my mind, I found myself wondering if that was it. If becoming civil with them again would fix all of this. If not fix it for me then for Felix.

"I just want to talk to him" Felix's voice brings me back to reality, I knew Minho wasn't allowing him near me. "Seriously back off" His voice grew louder.

I inhale slowly and look over my shoulder "It's fine" I look at Minho and give him a small reassuring smile before looking away again.

Soon I felt Felix take a seat beside me, silence filled the air except for Jeongin's voice who joined the other two males behind us.

"You and Minho huh?" I stared down at the water, not trying to ignore him but I wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. I honestly felt like whatever came out of my mouth would piss him off. "I don't hate you" he finally tells me.

I felt his eyes on me but I couldn't look at him. Felix meant everything to me, he was my family. He was someone I was supposed to protect. We were supposed to protect each other yet here we are, ended up hurting each other instead.

"Fine, don't talk to me. I deserve it, but please listen" I frown ever so slightly as I withdraw my hand from the water.

"I'm listening," I said lowly.

He was quiet for a moment before saying "I had an argument with Changbin" He starts, "The night before and it's not an excuse but that night I couldn't sleep because my anger boiled over and the easiest thing to do was blame you" He admitted and I looked at him finally and he looks out to the water, "I—I left because dad said to watch over you, yes, but I didn't refuse because you're my brother" He looks at me, "So I left it all behind knowing I would lose it all because that was my promise to him and myself"

"You blame me though"

"Yes, I did" He says immediately "After I argued with Changbin I blamed you because what I had with him was so good" His eyes gloss over and he lets out a sad chuckle "I did love him, even though I hated to admit it, I loved him. He was, what Minho is to you. He was that safety and comfort. Then all of this happened" He motioned around "Suddenly everything I thought I knew was gone and I convinced myself that this could be good for not just you but me" He looked down and sighed "But I've been struggling with it all still and I see how happy you've been and it's the happiest I think I've ever seen you" He looks up at me, "I envied that"

"I didn't realize—"

"How could you?" He tells me "You were too wrapped up in this newfound relationship with Minho"

I see it now. Felix's pain filled eyes, tired, and ready to admit it all to me. I wasn't there. Somewhere along the way, I abandoned my brother without realizing it.

I looked down and tried to process all of this, I noticed him pulling away and opening up more to Hyunjin but it was because he felt like he no longer had me.