If I loved you

Never regret truly loving someone

Two years ago I accidentally met one of my friends from the orphanage in a shopping mall near my house. I was there to buy some icecream for ma. She really likes to eat different flavours. Pa always teasingly says that she loves icecream more than him.

'Tharn!' I was so surprised that I almost yelled from afar.

'Tay! Oh my god!' Tharn looked around and when he saw me he was surprised too.

We were delighted to see each other and went a bar.

'Light beer for me.' My alcohol tolerance is not very good so I try to avoid drinking if possible. I easily get drunk.

After exchanging many miscellaneous words we started to talk about past. 

'After you got adopted I got a scholarship from the school and went to study in the most prestigious private college in the country. New is really something. He helped each of us meticulously.' He was drunk enough to spill the beans.

'What?' I got startled. What do you mean by that?

'Oh I forgot! We were instructed to keep quiet. Not to tell you anything.'

My head started to spin. Thankfully I didn't drink so helped him get in my car and let him talk freely. He was still carrying a beer can.

'It's been many years but I still remember that night when you sneaked out to meet New at the hospital. We got a call just before you came back. New called big brother and asked him to hand over the phone to phuong.'

I was listening in a stupified manner.

'New instructed Phuong to accompany you as long as needed. He promised to help us get a better life. He asked us individually to keep you company and he also asked what we wanted in return. Everybody got what they asked.'

Just like he helped Luke in adjusting in the orphanage! At that time he bribed them with wooden figurines!

'I got the scholarship. Phuong and other 7 boys joined New after completing school. I heard they became his subordinates. They says he is a good boss.' He laughed drunkenly.

'He asked you guys to become my friends!' I asked to confirm.

'Nah! He knew that we of all people were good to you. Your reputation in that orphanage weren't that good. We wanted to become your friends but you really didn't care much. Ha ha.'

'So he carefully selected only few boys who were your friends and asked them to protect you at any cost. I think he knew about your mental state back then.'

Yes. At that time I wanted to die!

'He sent people to secretly follow you from the hospital to the orphanage that night. Phuong saw them.'

I held my head in my hands. Is this real? Am I dreaming?

'So Tay. Cheers! You lucky basterd! You had the most caring best friend in the whole world.' He finished the beer in one gulp.

'I don't understand......' I really didn't.

'Huh! You are the dumbest person in this whole world. Why do you think he chose Luke over you? Huh? Because Luke was his friend and you weren't? No! No! He chose Luke because he knew in rich families they wouldn't treat a friend as equal. He will become the subordinate at any rate. So he didn't want you to go through that humiliation. Luke became his assistant and many other boys became his subordinates. He was okay with it. But he didn't want that for you. I would've done the same if it was me. That's why he arranged a nice home for you, where you could get love and care.'

'What do you mean arranged a nice home? I got adopted by my parents....'

'Mn. New made that happen. Luke came personally and gave your file to the big brother and asked him to give you priority. New shorted out the potential parents and chose the Sapathong family. I don't know what he promised to give to big brother but as you see the result.....you got adopted by the most caring parents and now living a happy life.'

I clenched my fist and said,

'So he was controlling my life?'

'Huh! You dumbo! How can that be? He just asked big brother to give your file along with others to the Sapathong family. He didn't ask them to adopt you. They got everyone's file but they chose you. It was their choice.'

'Did you see the file? Which Luke gave big brother?'

'No.'

'Hm.'

After dropping Tharn at his place I came back home directly. Pa and ma was chatting in the backyard and sipping coffee. I went straight to their room and opened the locker. I took out a big folder and there I saw many documents and a file. My name was written on the cover in neat handwriting.

I saw this writing style many times before. New wrote it.

I placed everything back and only took the file with me. Then I went to my room and locked the door.

The file wasn't thick nor it was thin. Inside pages after pages.......my information. It was all handwritten just like any other orphanage files but the tidy and neat writing screaming elegance.

Formal information was very little because there is nothing much of an orphan but he wrote down each and every thing that he could remember. My habits, likes, dislikes, my strength my weakness..... it's like seeing myself from his point of view and from his point of view......I was perfect!

I closed the file and went to the bathroom. My whole body was shaking involuntarily. I sat down in the bathtub fully dressed and opened the faucet. The water started to fill up very quickly. I leaned back on the wall and stared at the ceiling.

I knew him for nearly thirteen years.....

I knew him inside and out........

Still I didn't see through his act at the hospital.

I was furious that he didn't choose me....

I was mad at him for leaving me behind.....

Still I didn't see the pain in his eyes.

I threw that ring at his face......

I demanded my pendant back......

Still I didn't care that my words were hurtful.

I wanted him to run away with me.....

I called him coward for not having the courage........

Still I didn't feel that he was bravely enduring everything on his own.

I loved him and wanted him to accept my love. I wanted him to become my boyfriend. But I didn't see that his love for me was far greater than my love for him. Even though he loved me only as a friend, his love was unconditional.

I let him down.

I closed my eyes and recalled that face which was smiling at me mockingly. He was wishing me to have a great life while his own face was a bloody mess.

I saw that smile but I overlooked that blood!