Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 89

(Jin Jang's Plan: Episode 2)

Do you know what the hardest thing about being insane is? The judgment that you get from other people. It's like with any disease, people look at you with this...scared look in your eyes. As if getting too close will make them crazy too. And it hurts.

But what hurts more, is the type of judgment you get from people who are actively trying to understand you. They try so hard for so long to make some sense of what's going inside of your head. Hours are put into creating ciphers to make it make sense. And things are good until you spiral or relapse into something even worse than before.

Sometimes the medications don't work. Sometimes the treatments don't work.

Sometimes being compassionate doesn't work.

Neither does respect.

Or Understanding.

Or...anything.

Then that's when people really start to give up hope. When they look at you they don't see something that can be better. Only a thing that works every now and then with random moments of clarity. And they have to think to themselves if indulging in your fantasies or fighting against them will do you good.

Which side should they take? So they look at you. Really look at you and decide that you are a mess. A delicate dangerous monstrosity without humanity when you're just suffering.

But how do you think I feel that I'm this way? Their judgment only makes me feel worse about myself.

When they look at me good, I know it's only out of pity.

'Oh, poor thing. Look at her. She's simply hurt from the head. If I'm kind. If I'm patient enough, maybe she can heal.'

I'm not an animal.

The human brain doesn't work that way.

But then...when they look at me ugly.

'God...this is what happens when people aren't born right. Don't look them in the eye or they might go out of control.'

I'm not an animal.

The human brain doesn't work that way.

At the same time, as they judge, you also have to admit to yourself that you are deserving of both their pity and fear. People like me do need compassion and patience but we also need caution. We are unstable, broken in a way that requires careful deliverance. That...that doesn't make me something you should avoid or protect. It just makes me human.

I...I just wish that getting better wouldn't be this complicated. I wish that getting worse wouldn't be this humiliating.

I'm not even angry anymore at this point.

I'm just tired.

I'm tired with me.

I'm tired of everyone.

I'm tired of the fact that I've let myself be controlled and pushed around again.

The sad thing about my situation too is that I have to keep going forward on this path because it's what I've chosen to do. Who cares for the reasons? This is me now. These are the consequences that I have to bear.

So I have to take it in.

The manipulation.

The games.

The abuse.

Pill...after pill...after pill. Assignment...after assignment...after assignment.

I have to do it.