Moonlight (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Chapter Sixty-Nine | I Can't

Jongin's POV

Maybe it happened on the day I lost my parents; maybe that was the day that Death decided it liked me. Perhaps when I ran away, at the very moment I chose to run it saw how much power it had over me and decided that it liked having that power. 

It was starting to seem like Death had chosen me.

The vet said there was nothing we could do to save him, that there was too much internal bleeding. We waited for a few days to see if Fate would prove her wrong, but It never did. 

When she delivered that news to us, it felt like someone had pierced my heart with a silver bullet. But no matter how much I wanted to be mad at him for risking his life for me, I knew I could only be mad at myself for allowing him to help from the start. Right from the start, I knew that this was a battle I had to fight myself. 

As usual, though, Fate had other plans for me and this time, I didn't like those plans very much.

When Sehun came down the stairs, evidence of past tears staining his cheeks, I knew it was my turn to go up and see him. I didn't get up at first. I just sat there with my blank eyes and emotionally drained face pointed at the carpet. Only when Kyungsoo placed a gentle hand on my back did I lift my head and look at him, seeing a faint and somber smile spread across his face.

"I'm sure he's waiting to see you," he whispered to me as my eyes diverted away again lazily. I just nodded my head after a few seconds and stood up on my feet, slowly dragging them up the wooden stairs and toward the room he was resting in. I opened the door with care and caution in case he happened to be sleeping, but I was surprised to see that he was still up and awake.

"I guess I was right then," he said as I cracked the door, wearing that smile of his. "They were saving the best for last." I chuckled, smiling my first smile since that day as I walked over to his bedside and sat in the chair that was already pulled up to it. "You look tired," he said after some silence passed. "Haven't you been sleeping?"

"How can I sleep?" I replied as I made eye contact with him, my voice already starting to break. "How can I sleep when you're dying, hyung? And all because of me."

"Don't start that, Kai," he said, shaking his head faintly as his eyes went shut for a moment or two. "This is so far from being your fault, understand? It's no one person's fault, not even Yongguk's. This was--"

"Fated to happen, I know," I said, finishing his sentence for him and rolling my eyes a bit as my head fell. "I know."

"Then why are you so upset?" he asked.

"Why are you not upset?" I replied as my head quickly shot up again, my eyes beginning to water. He just kept looking at me silently. "Hyung," I started, lowering my head for a second time, "I know you're a firm believer in Fate, but I'm having a hard time believing that you leaving the world, especially like this, was meant to be."

"I understand that," he said in a kind voice, the voice that he usually spoke with. "But you know just as well as I do that Fate doesn't need an explanation. Death is a natural part of life. It hurts the way it happens sometimes, but it's inevitable."

"But I'm not--" I cut myself off to quickly lift my hands to my face and wipe away the tears before they could fall. "I'm not ready to lose another person that I care about, hyung, especially not you. If it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't be here right now and I haven't even started to repay you for everything you've done for me."

"Kai, don't be ridiculous." He laughed, turning his head away for a moment. "You owe me nothing. Everything I did for you I did because I love and care about you, not because I wanted you to be indebted to me. You deserved to be given a chance and you should never have to pay back for what you deserve." I sniffled, lowering my head and trying to wipe more tears away. "But," he added as he winced and shifted positions slightly, "there is one thing I'd like you to do for me."

"What is it?" I asked perhaps a bit too frantically, scooting a little closer to him. "Whatever it is, I'll do it."

"Promise?" he said, making me go silent out of confusion for a second.

"Promise," I replied, getting him to smile before he started talking again.

"We both know that I probably won't live for much longer," he said and I looked back down briefly, making the reality of the situation hit me all over again. "But that doesn't mean that I'm leaving the pack without an alpha."

My head shot up. I knew where he was going with this. 

"Hyung, no," I said, shaking my head as more tears went under formation. "I'm not doing that. I know I promised, but that is the one thing I will not do, not like this."

"How did you want it would happen?" he said, his response making me go silent. "An alpha is only stripped of his powers when he dies and then that power is passed on to the next person in his family line. All of my brothers are already alphas of their own packs and obviously Lay and I never got around to having kids, which would mean that I have no one else in my family line to pass the power to. My only option is to choose someone else from the pack to become alpha."

"Hyung, please," I said in a small, meek voice, begging him not to say what I knew he was going to say. "Don't do this."

"I've picked you, Kai," he said, speaking the words I didn't want to hear and causing a heavy sigh left my lips. "I actually picked you a long time ago, not long after you first joined the pack. And before you ask, it's not just because of your bloodline. I saw something in you, especially during these last few weeks. The way you were ready to risk your own life to protect the ones you cared about as if it was the only thing you knew how to do. You were born to do this."

"I can't," I whispered with my head lowered. "I'm not like my dad or my grandpa. I'm not strong enough for this."

"What do you think your kids are thinking every time they see you?" he asked me, earning my attention once again. "They see their father, the man who would do anything to keep them safe and who will stay up with them for hours to make sure they're comfortable, even if he's exhausted. To them, you're a superhero, Kai. Someone they want to be like when they grow up. And if you ask me, that's what an alpha should be."

I just stared down at the floor for a while, trying to take everything in. But I could barely wrap my head around a world where he wasn't alive, let alone one where I was standing in his place. 

I stood up abruptly, causing the cheer to squeak against the floor as I pushed it back. "I can't, hyung. I just can't," I said. 

"Jongin," I heard him say, but I didn't respond to him, walking out of the room in frustration and in distress. I quickly traveled down the stairs, not even bothering to spare anyone a snippet of my attention before storming outside. I stopped once I gained my senses back, letting out a gust of air as I sat down on the porch steps.

Even when the vet told us Joonmyun didn't have much longer to live, I didn't want to believe it. When he said it himself, I still refused. 

But for some reason, when I heard him say that he wanted me to take his place as alpha, it suddenly hit me and I didn't think that I would recover quickly from this.

A/N

So, first off, I'd like to give props to a few people for correcting guessing who was going to die. MusicManiac555, DiamondRuybe, pulager2001 Great job for guessing, guys! I tried not to make it too obvious, but if I did, I apologize.

A bit more angst as far as death will be up next, but then once everything kind of cools off, the end (finally!) will be coming up! I'm thinking of doing some sort of epilogue, but I don't have a solid idea yet, so unless I can come up with one soon, there might not be one.

Thanks for reading! Please leave some votes and comments below if you so wish! Until tomorrow! <3