I Give You My All {n.h.}

Chapter Forty Four

Niall Horan

You know that feeling, when you lose a game? Not some petty board game or even conference game, but that game that determines if you're going to state or nationals. A game that could potentially enhance or defeat your outlook on life. The game that could determine your future.

That's how I feel as I hold Brooke's convulsing body to mine. That's how I feel as I hear the quiet, broken sobs echoing through the room and feel her fingers grabbing at me, trying to smother the burning pain that is ricocheting from her body.

I feel like I've lost the game, but worse, I feel like I've let my team down. My team being Brooke.

Countless times now, my hands rub her back and smooth her hair back. My lips speak before my mind can think, apologizing and encouraging her, however, never in my life have I felt more inadequate as I do this very second. Never.

"Darlin'.." I breathe against her hair as another heart shattering sob, breaks from her precious lips.

"I-It hurts..it hurts so b-bad." Brooke cries out against my chest, her voice sounding hoarse. My arms tighten around her, wishing so badly that I could take her pain away, but I can't.

"God Brooke. If only I could take your place. I would in a heart beat, baby."
Again, I listen as she breaks and falls apart, sobbing and whimpering from the unmerciful sting and ache that I'm sure is settled in the very bottom, deepest corner of her heart. Her fingers relentlessly grab for me and my arms don't drop for a split second. Anytime I move, even just to sit back or lean forward, pulling her in, Brooke freezes. She's scared that I'm going to leave and unfortunately that is my fault. I should not have left her in the first place.

"Sh-she's gone and th-they've been gone, b-but it doesn't h-help any.." She cries and stutters to me. My hands continue their endless path through her hair and down her back. My words don't cease for a moment as I tell her how much I love her and that everything will be okay.

"I would do anything.." She pauses, trying to control her breathing.

"Anything..to see my dad one last time. B-but I can't a-and.." Again she pauses, her body shaking and her head burying into me.

"It's all my fault..." At these words, she snaps all over again, restarting a vicious pattern of tears, so many tears, and convulsing sobs.

"Shhh..baby. It's not your fault, no. You're okay. Shhh.."

"N-No it is..." I pull her body back to mine, so that her head rests in the crook of my neck. My hands hold her tight to my body, not letting go for a split moment.

"It is..it is.." I bring a hand up to hold her head to me, holding her tight. Sob after sob breaks from the back of her throat, her heart pounding relentlessly in her chest. I can feel the fast pulse as her chest presses to mine. Still, she tries to grab at my shirt, my skin, in attempt to pull me closer.

"Shhh.." My voice is at a whisper, trying so desperately to calm her down. I still feel so helpless, though. I can feel her pain, yet I can't take it away. God, what I would give..

"I'm so - so sorry, Niall. So sor-" immediately, I shake my head.

"Shhh..everything is okay. Shhhh." I kiss her head three, maybe four times and continue rocking us back and forth.

And this goes on for however long. It feels like time goes by so slow as I hold her to me though. The tears are relentless. The shakes, convulsions of sobs never cease. Her pain is finally at the most climatic part, now just waiting to calm back down. The problem is, when might it calm down? It's clear that this pain has been stacked on top of itself. Will it ever fully subside? I highly doubt that.