Adopted by the Sidemen

lying

as soon as we get home, all of the boys embrace me into a hug. rebecca fortunately left already. we all sit in the living room, i know that all eyes are on me but i keep my eyes closed as i snuggle into vik's side with his arm around my shoulder. i feel like if i open my eyes and see everyones sad and worried facial expression, i would burst into tears right then and there.

after a long silence that wasnt as awkward as i thought it was gonna be passed by, tobi spoke up first.

"what happened?" he asks in a subtle, soft voice. i honestly dont know how to respond though. i could tell the truth but ruin jj's relationship. or i could lie and just say that i needed some fresh air and didnt intend to be out there that long.

im about to tell the truth but then i remembered the way that jj looked at rebecca and how happy and satisfied he looked. i dont want to be the reason that his happiness goes away.

"i just needed some fresh air. i had some social anxiety and i needed to get out of the house for a while. i didnt really intend to be out that long. im sorry," i lie smoothly and i give myself a mental high five for not stuttering. i still keep my eyes closed. i wouldnt dare to look any of them in the eye.

"you could have told us, we would have taken you out for a while and we wouldnt be worrying our butts off," simon replies, stern, but not too stern to scare me. i chuckle a little at simon's use of the word 'butts'. yeah, i know, im so mature.

"i just needed to be alone. im really sorry guys," i say, this time forcing my eyes open and hoping that i dont start crying.

"it's ok honey, just tell us next time ok? we wanna help," vik says from beside me and leans down a bit to kiss my forehead. wow he is taking this a lot better than last time i did something wrong.

i dont feel one bit of guilt for lying. of course im dreading the day that the boys find out about rebecca and christina but i dont really know why anymore.

the boys go back to doing their videos and what not while i take a long, hot shower. it feels quite nice actually. the hot water hitting my skin like needles. but its not painful, its satisfying.

i havent felt like this in a while and the continuous hot water, pelting my skin is not helping. no its not a good thing. this feeling makes me wanna get my razors out and slice my skin.

i try to contain myself. i really do. but i cant. i get out of the shower and put my pajamas on. i take out my razor from my bag.

just as im about to make the first cut, i remember the promise that i made to harry. the promise where i would try to stop cutting.

no no no. i drop the razor and i fall to the floor. i just start bawling my eyes out. im glad that i can control the sounds of my sobs this time. i wouldnt want any of the guys getting suspicious.

so i get into my bed and crawl under my covers.

and i cry.

a/n
hello! the walking dead was flipping awesome!! in science, this girl at my table was coughing a lot and now i feel sick. :((( i hope you have a healthy and happy week.
~kayla