Y/n POV:
"Shawn?" I say looking up languidly, my head laying comfortably In his lap on my side, a small smile played on his face.
"Yes doll?" He says having his arm placed lightly around my chest hugging me close.
"How many more days until your tour?" The comfortable silence shifts to sadness, American Horror Story playing in the background seemed to have gotten louder at our absence of words.
"Y/n," he sighs, after about a minute, "how come you keep bringing this up?" He takes a strand of my hair and places it behind my ear.
"It just makes things sad for the both of us," He continues to play with that strand of hair as I look sadly at his guitar resting on the table in front of us.
"I just," I trail off lightly drawing lines on his forearm resting by my neck, causing him to sigh relaxingly, "I just need to remind myself that this won't be for as long as I'd like, that you're going to have to leave. I guess it makes things less traumatizing for me. So you leaving is not so sudden. Having you tell me when it is, is Like a snap back to reality. I cant have you in my arms everyday and This is the way it is and how it will be."
The whole mood went from happy and comfortable to completely depressing. I guess I do that a lot. I turn my head down wistfully, wishing I never even brought it up.
"But I'm here whenever I can be," His voice cracks in the efforts of shawn trying to defend himself.
"I know you're doing your best shawn," I say giving his arm a squeeze of reassurance, "I do it for me that's all but I'll stop asking I swear." I swallow the forming lump in my throat.
No, I can't do this I can't just ruin everything. Things were great.
"I know you think I could try harder." He whispers this so softly I could almost not hear it. I remove my hand from his arm, sitting up from his lap. I move to the edge of the couch on the spot next to him and push off his knee to help me stand up.
"Baby girl where are you going?" He says sadly, trying to grab at my waist but I purposefully speed up my walking so I'm out of reach.
"I just really don't feel like dealing with this right now," i say to him before I walk into the kitchen, in search of things to binge on.
God how I love binging.
I hear the leather of the couch shift, me knowing he's going to come after me and try to make me feel better. It was nothing he did I just really don't want to cause a scene and do something stupid like cry. He hates when I cry.
"I think there's something else," he says walking into the kitchen, his bare feet slapping the wooden floor. He hugs me from behind whilst I look in the fridge, me feeling his head buried in the crook of my neck.
"Really shawn it's nothing," I say half convincingly, finally deciding on an apple to eat and ice tea.
Where's the nutella when you need it, I would never call this binging.
"Hey shawn," i say breaking him from the hug, "you really need to go shopping. Can you do that for me hun?"
He frowns at the lame attempt that I made to change the subject, leaning against the counter looking at me skeptically.
"Nice try y/n," he says, wanting more than anything for me to crack, "Just tell me okay? If it's something I did then I can promise you I'll be able to fix it."
"Really shawn you didn't do anything just drop it," i say raising my voice with building anger, he stiffens up at the tone I'm using with him.
Great just what I need, a fight.
"It's because I care," he says with frustration, matching the loudness of my voice, "that's what I'm supposed to do, care." He hissed, making me scoff.
"You don't need more problems to worry about, and that's what I am shawn, another damn problem." I start to walk past him, brushing our shoulders.
He grabs my arm and spins me around so I'm looking at him, "you worry me," he says, the anger leaving his eyes, "I'm gone for months and I come back and you're different. You're not the same and I want to know what happens to you." Sadness fills his once intense eyes, making me practically jump in his arms crying.
"When you're here," i gasp in my attempts to explain, "everything gets okay again, you numb all the pain I have and I feel confident as if I could do anything, but when you leave," i cry mentally preparing myself for what I'm going to say, "i hate myself just as much as I did when you first met me and you don't know how hard it is to put on a strong face for you. This is what I didn't want, I didn't want you to be worried."
I cry into his shoulder, clutching him like he's the only one I have. I hate admitting to him that I'm weak, so weak that I need a man to keep me sane, but I hate having to just pretend I don't die every time he leaves that front door.
He wraps me in a bear hug and whispers in my ear, "Princess if i knew things were getting bad again I would've helped you through it. How come you never called me? I'm always worried about you, I love you."
Shawn rubs my back to comfort me and my breathing slows down, "darling calm down, let's sit and talk about it yeah?"
"That's all I needed," i say quickly, breaking our embrace, holding both his hands. He doesn't look convinced.
"Y/n we need to talk this isnt okay."
"I-i'm okay," i stutter, "we're okay I'll figure things out with myself. Telling you made a weight lift."
"Promise me?" He says, releasing my hands and cupping my cheeks, looking into my eyes, feeling as if they touched my soul.
"I promise shawn," i say bringing my hands up, "and I never break a promise."
________________________________________~a little tangled reference there idk if any of you picked up on it but I hope so.
~Leah
