(( trigger warning))
Y/N POV:
12am
I breathe out heavily looking at the clock, noticing the late hours of shawn's absence. I get it, he has a career and a very busy social life, busier than mine ever will be, but at least while he's home visiting he could actually..I don't know...visit?
1am
okay this is just ridiculous, are you kidding me? things between me and shawn have been distant lately, no more long conversations that would keep us up at this time, or binge watching videos while we cuddle side by side. nope just he comes home, claims he "misses me" (we both know thats a lie) puts on a coat shortly after he just took if off and leaves. jerk, i think to myself, at least tell me you don't want to be together anymore, you don't have to be a coward and sleep with other women instead.
i am distracted in the midst of my thoughts by the text vibration coming from my phone. this better be shawn, i think to myself, and he better have one good explanation as to why he was gone for so long. until now, the latest he was out was maybe 11:30, him realizing that i was at home waiting to hug him and kiss him and congratulate him. I know i'm pathetic but part of me was still hoping he cared, cared enough to at least let me do that.
I glance at the notification lighting up my screen.
S: I'll be home soon.
i scoff and quickly type in my passcode, in complete disbelief of this actually being true.
y/n: where have you even been?
a couple seconds after delivered gets replaced by read, but there's no indication that he's responding. what a shame, i was half expecting for him to write, "calm down i need to pull my pants back up before i can drive, this is a pretty classy apartments these girls live in."
2am
wow shawn yeah, i guess in his book "soon" means just wait another hour practically heart broken that he didn't even have the decency to tell me where he's been. he probably didn't want to make me more upset by telling the honest truth. i used to think he could never lie, that he was clean and honest, but now it seems that he can just lie about where he's been without feeling a bit of guilt. Im truly dating a fake ass.
the door to our house opens and shawn squints at the bright lights i have on, I'm on the couch trying to look as nonchalant as i can. i should be used to this by now.
"y-y/n i wasn't expecting you to be up," he stutters clutching the back of his neck with his hand and darting his eyes everywhere around the room, avoiding eye contact with me.
I laugh, looking at my crossed legs, being cramped from sitting here for so long.
"Oh," i say dramatically, "you thought I'd get tired of waiting for you to come home from screwing people. well shawn, I'm kind of used to it actually."
hurt runs through his eyes, only for a couple of seconds, until his heartless figure I'm used to comes back. "Don't act like you haven't cheated, like you're any better."
those words caught me off guard, i wasn't fully expecting him to just admit that he has been sleeping around to my face.
"I didn't have time to cheat," i half yell, hurt prominent in my voice, "I was too busy waiting for you to come back you jerk."
he chuckles cruelly and takes his coat off, "I'm going to bed, you can sit here or call the man you've been sleeping with to come over to give you a great time like that stripper gave me."
a tear falls onto my shirt, me quickly wiping away the others, not noticing before that i was crying.
"a stripper?" I whisper, "You're disgusting." i sniffle, and look up to him, i don't know why but i was hoping something would change in his heart, but nothing. I glance to his neck and see hickeys, he's not even trying to hide them from me anymore.
he notices where I'm looking, panic in his eyes, but quickly relaxes as if he remembers that he's not supposed to care if those hurt me or not.
"She was amazing," he says out of happiness, "I don't know who was your first time but its a shame they didn't teach you better."
"You never let me learn," i snap back at him angrily and upset.
"Oh y/n there was a reason. there's always a reason. now go cut or something, or whatever you do when you're upset." all that i see in his eyes are brutality.
i whimper at his words and begin to cry, rolling my sleeves down, balling the fabric in my wrists, and sobbing at the emotionless person in front of me.
"In the morning," i say between sobs, "I want you out of here and far away."
he walks over giving me a not sincere sympathetic look, until he's right next to me on the couch. he kisses my forehead and whispers, "its cute that you thought i was going to stay."
___________________________________________________________________________________~ okay guys there's something that i need to say that i haven't said before. if you self harm just know that you need to respect yourself, and not do something so awful as to bring a blade to your wrist. words and actions are used as weapons against us and you need to fight them with all your strength. when you feel as if no one cares, just know i do, and if you feel that you have no friends, know i'm yours. my messages are always open if you need me, i'm here and i'll help you get through anything and everything you want. Love you all
~leah
