Y/n's POV:
"But you always said," I pause to take a deep breath to calm my nerves, not knowing how much longer I have with him on this phone call, "that distance, and lack of seeing each other wouldn't get in the way of us."
I try to bring myself to focus on his unsteady breathing coming through the line, but all I can do is think about how this relationship is going to crash and burn over the fact that our levels of communications have begun to run low.
"Princess please understand that it's killing me," Shawn sounds less hopeful than I, broken almost, tired of this same circle that we've been following for forever, "I can't go on missing you like this anymore."
"I don't know what you mean," Sniffling, I use the back of my wrist to wipe away falling tears, never wanting so bad in my life to just have this conversation face to face, so I could try and read his face to see what he's thinking. All I have with cellphones is breathing patterns and how obvious he makes his emotions.
"I mean," Shawn changes his tone to make what he's saying sound reasonable, but I hope he knows that no matter how many different ways he says this, it still will rip through me like knives, "that I crave you day after day, I just want to see you all the time babe, but I can't. It's emotionally wearing me down and I just find myself disappointed and alone all the time, having this void of want that never gets filled and I can't continue that."
It was almost like my lung crushed, under the pressure of all the hurt, for the noise that just left me sounds similar to a vase shattering on the floor.
The farther he got along to saying those heart wrenching words, the more his voice dropped and the closer he sounded to tears.
"Shawn I'm," My voice cracks and I close my eyes, leaning back farther into my couch and running my hand through my hair, "I'm sorry you feel this way, but I feel the same and I always thought we could get through things like this."
"That's exactly it!" He practically laughs through the phone. It's not a sweet laugh that I wish I could hear all the time, it's more bitter than anything, making the hurt I'm already feeling feel as if someone has poured lemon juice on it.
"we both feel this way babygirl and I want to have you happy, not alone. I know you'll find someone who can provide all you need and as much as it hurts me to say it," A strangled sob comes through the phone, sounding as if he's preparing himself for a blow,"but I'm not the man you need."
"I want you to be happy too Shawn but I can't just have us end over this," tears are soaking my face, and the lump in my throat is close to suffocating, everything I'm feeling is beyond overwhelming.
In the background, I hear someone calling his name, probably Andrew, and I hear a breath come out of him, sounding like it's the hardest labor that he's ever had to do.
"I'm sorry," his tone has never held so much sadness or despair, "but I have to go."
and with that the line goes dead, along with other happy outlets that kept me grounded.
_____________________________________________________________________________________~you guys definitely put up with a lot of mess ups but I'm grateful for it because if you didn't I wouldn't have the reads I have now. Speaking of thanks so much for all the reads it means so much to me:-)
~Leah
