Dark Night Dark Light

Chapter 56

Ville and I sit in a room. The color patterns are very fancy but simple decor. We both sit on opposite sides of the couch. A gentleman sitting in front of us with a notepad in his hands and his ears open to hear all of the things that I am about tell him. Ville has said once before that he wanted me to seek some kind of professional help to deal with the mental anguish Aaron has had on me. 

It seems like ever since Aaron died, I've been one disappointment after another. Despite my best efforts to to try to go on with my life and act like nothing happened. I can't shake the haunting images in my mind. I know that this is very hard on me, I also know that it's very hard for Ville. What I do know is that Ville has been my rock through this whole thing. He has been my shelter and the shoulder that I can cry on. There is no way I can loose him and loose the best part of me. I want to prove to Ville that I'm really trying. Deep down I know that whatever is plaguing us right now is just a small bump in the road and there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I figure what better way to do things like this than to agree to the things that Ville asks of me. 

While I've never objected to him wanting me to go into the house where everything happened and then torching it to the ground. I have objected to him selling the tower. There's just something about the tower that I don't ever want to part with. So I've decided that I wont fight him on me talking to a professional about my problems and see if we can't come up with a solution to fix things and make them better. 

The therapist that I am seeing right now is a man in his mid 40's. Like everyone in Finland, he is very beautiful for his age. He has short dark brown hair with grey streaks running through it. I can tell that this look was professionally done. He has the most beautiful stone blue eyes that have so much character. His pale skin seems so perfect and soft, almost like he has never had a cut or scrape in his life. That's the kind of skin that I envy. Through my life I have had many falls and wear the inner and outer scars caused by those falls. The man is dressed in a suite that looks like it was made just to fit him. He has a very professional look to him and by looks alone is a polar opposite from my rock and roll boyfriend. 

"I know what she went through was horrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But this has caused a tear in our relationship in a way. I know that I didn't do some things that I probably should have from the beginning. However, we are both willing to move forward from this whole thing and learn from our mistakes," Ville starts out. 

The therapist nods his head acknowledging Ville's statement. He then turns his gaze to me, "I have heard that you have had a lot of bad happen to you through a past romance. I would like to hear more about it and see if we can't work past this."

As much as the therapist would love to think that he can help me and heal me from all of the things that has happened to me in a single session, I know that he doesn't have a shot in hell. But this is something that I promised Ville that I would do and I would be a liar if I didn't at least try. So I lean back into the couch and start to tell him everything about the past from the beginning. I know that deep down inside he can't handle all the information that I am giving him and in a way I fear when I'm done telling him everything that there is to tell then he will turn his back on me. 

The therapist sits in his chair and calmly listens to me. Every now and again he writes something down on his pad of paper as I talk. 

Ville sits quietly by my side with his arm wrapped around my shoulders. When I get to a part in my story that upsets him, he unknowingly lets me know by tensing up. I know that he is trying to be strong and he isn't trying to let me know that he is upset about the things that I am talking about. He just doesn't like to hear about the horrible things that have happened to me. 

I find the longer I talk about the past with Aaron, the more that I look for things around the room to focus on. I don't want to look anyone in the eyes. I'm ashamed of my past. Ashamed of things that I've done, ashamed of things that I allowed to happen, and most of all ashamed that I allowed the past to effect Ville and all of those who are close to me.