Bumblestar: Welcome back. I bet you guys have missed me.
Dovewing: I haven't!
Bumblestar: :'( Well, let's get on with murdering! Today, we're going to—*glances at Dovewing*—you know what? You should, uh, leave.
Dovewing: Gladly. *pads out of camp.*
Bumblestar: *coughs* Anyways. . . today, we're going to murder Tigerheart!
Millie: So I get to live?
Bumblestar: Sadly.
Millie: I must protect my Briarlight!
Briarlight: I hope you fall off a cliff, Mom.
Millie: Oh dear! Constant irritability and aggression are signs of anger issues!
Briarlight: Stop listening to WebMD.
Bumblestar: Let's, uh, move on from Millie's issues. Today I'm going to have Jayfeather assisting me in this murder!
Jayfeather: What are we doing?
Bumblestar: Killing Tigerheart.
Jayfeather: Meh, that takes effort. I'll stay here and take a nap.
Bumblestar: See, horrible fangirls who worship Jayfeather, he's not a perfect being who you bow down to! He's a rude cat who has no concern for the feelings of others. *rolls eyes*
Jayfeather: At least I actually have fans, you second-hand peasant. You can't even get a mate!
Bumblestar: Neither can you!
Jayfeather: I have an entire fandom dedicated to me. Get lost, Dovewing's lost lover. *smug grin*
Bumblestar: *narrows his eyes, but turns away.* Let's get on with this murder. See you on ShadowClan territory.
After getting to ShadowClan territory.
Bumblestar: Okay! Now we have to find Tigerheart. I hired Cloudtail to get me a disguise, and hopefully Vainstar thinks I am Frogb—
Vainstar: *pokes his head out from a bush* Snakebutt?
Bumblestar: I'm Frogbutt!
Vainstar: No, you're Snakebutt. I'm going on patrol with the great and powerful Tigerbutt. Would you like to come with us?
Bumblestar: Tigerbutt, as in Tigerheart?
Vainstar: *waves his tail* Whatever you want to call him.
Tigerheart: *jogs up to them* Yo.
Bumblestar: *tries to act casual* Yo. I'm Snakebutt.
Tigerheart: No, you're Bumblestripe.
Bumblestar: BUMBLESTAR! IT IS BUMBLESTAR!
Tigerheart: Someone ate a pumpkin spice Oreo for breakfast. *rolls eyes* Let's just hunt.
Bumblestar: *grabs Missingfur's chainsaw* I'd love to hunt for a Tigerheart!
Missingfur: *is typing numbers into a calculator* Yeah, the interest on that chainsaw will be—
Bumblestar: —quiet. The interest will be quiet so I can kill this monster.
Tigerheart: Says the murderer. . .
Bumblestar: *drops the chainsaw on him.*
⌁ Written by Rio ⌁
YOU ARE READING
101 Ways To Kill A Cat
LosoweLet Bumblestar show you how. A/N: Do not do this to cats you may happen to know. This book is just a spoof and a joke. In fact, don't do this to anybody. Except for Frost. You can do it to Frost, because nobody cares about Frost and whether she liv...
