It's All So Beautiful *Roger Taylor Fanfic*

Do You Know Just How I Feel?

I arrived in the airport in Munich, looking for a payphone so I could call Brian, when out of nowhere, I felt John tap my shoulder.

"John!" I exclaimed and gave him a hug. We weren't very close but I hadn't seen him in so long.

"So you're here to help Roger?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I have been kind of worried about him. How is he?"

John winced. "Not the best. He's in a bad way. Drinking, smoking, skipping practice."

I sighed. This wasn't the Roger I knew.

John drove me in his car to the studio in Munich where the boys were recording. There I met Brian. He threw his arms around me in a big hug and spun me around. "I missed you so much!" He said. "I missed you too Bri." I replied.

Then I saw Freddie. At first, I barely recognised him because he had very short hair. When I realised it was him, I hugged him too.

"Oh you're here to help poor Rog. You've got your work cut out for that one dear." He told me.

The guys and I were walking out of the studio and I looked at some pictures on the wall. One of them was of the four boys and two girls who I assumed were part of a video. I also noticed Roger had his hand in such a way that it looked like he was groping  the girls ass.

I grimaced at it. "Pretty sure he was drunk there," John whispered to me.

We got into Johns car again and Brian told me we were driving to Rogers house. "He hasn't been answering the door to us, but he might today." Freddie piped in.

We arrived at Rogers house in Munich and I got out. John and Freddie decided to stay in the car just in case Roger got overwhelmed but Brian came with me, squeezing my hand as I rang the doorbell.

I heard something fall and a loud "Fuck!" Muttering and footsteps were heard too, until Roger answered the door.

The minute he saw us, he closed it again, but I stopped it with my hand.

"Let us in." Brian said.

Roger opened the door slightly to let me in, but not Brian. I looked sympathetically at Brian as I walked in the door and he gave me a sad smile back.

I stood in the hall with Roger.

"So you're alive then," I said.

He rolled his eyes and folded his arms. I took this opportunity to have a good look at him. He wasn't wearing a shirt but he was wearing pyjama bottoms and his hair was all fluffy and messy. As I looked closer, I saw it looked like his eyes were tear stained.

He walked down the hall into a bedroom and I followed him in. He sat on the bed and lit a cigarette.

"So how are the kids?" He asked.

"Fine," I replied.

"Why are you here?" He asked.

"Because the boys thought you were dead."

I heard him tut.

"You weren't answering the door or their calls. You can't do that Roger."

"I did it on purpose." He said.

"Why?"

"Cause it's too much for me."

I looked around the room and saw empty bottles of vodka and various alcohols. He lay down on the bed.

"It's not easy here. There's a lot of pressure. But why am I telling you? You don't give a shit."

"I do care," I said. Roger rolled his eyes.

"You're the one who left," I reminded him.

"Well it wasn't going to work out was it?"

"You didn't give it a chance. You were only thinking of divorce weren't you? Do you have any idea what it's done to the kids?"

He looked down. Then he sat up and patted the space beside him. But I shook my head.

"So you're not going to sit beside me?"

"No I'm not. I'm not here for that. I'm here to help you. You're not yourself anymore. You're not Roger. You're not the man I fell-"

I stopped mid sentence. It didn't need to be said.

"What was that?" He asked.

"Nothing."

"No say it."

"You're not the man I fell in love with!"

He looked at the floor and sighed.

"I know I'm not. I want to be. I miss the old me."

"Then change. For yourself. For the band. Do it before it's too late."

I started walking out of the room. I didn't have to help him. I couldn't. The only person who could help him was himself.

I felt Rogers hand on my wrist and he pulled me back.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Stay."

"I can't. Besides, why would I? We're done. We're not married anymore. Remember?"

His eyes looked sad and his mouth turned down. He looked so beautiful, with no top on and his blonde hair all messy and ruffled. I wanted to love him but I couldn't. It wasn't there anymore.

I felt the tears begin to well in my eyes and I turned before he saw me. I opened the front door and started to walk out but Roger stopped me again.

He pulled me into a hug. I didn't hug him back for a few seconds. I put my arms slowly around him and held onto his body lightly. But he was grabbing onto me, as if he would never let go.

He pulled away and looked into my eyes. His sad blue eyes bore holes in mine.

I ran away before he could do anything else.

I got into the back of Johns car again beside Brian and fell into his arms and cried.

I didn't understand what had happened. Roger left me, he divorced me, he said horrible things to me. Yet he hugged me. What did this mean. I didn't want to feel like this anymore.

I just wanted to run back into his house and kiss him.

But instead John drove me back to Brians house where Roger kept calling him, asking if I was gone back to England yet, trying to set up a day for us to meet and talk.

I wanted to love him. I really did.

But it had been so long. And the love was gone.