Demons without Desire

I'm not her.

Zak pulled my hands off his face and moved away, from his stance he was angry.

"I-"

"Shut up." He growled making me close my mouth and look at my lap.

I could see his pacing across the bedroom, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth before he would stop. Take a look at me and then continue his pacing.

"Zak-"

"Are you out your damn mind?!" He started. I knew he was going to react like this but it was important that I let him go... He was a man who could get any wo-

"I'm talking to you!" He shouted making me look up slowly.

"You deserve better.." I whispered.

"I'm talking about you leaving on your own again?! Are we forgetting what happened the first time?" He asked.

"No.. I just think that y-"

"Well you don't! You don't think! And you don't think for me!" He shouted.

I nodded looking away from his eyes, there was fire behind them and a few weeks ago, that could have been turned into lust. Not so much now.

"I've made some mistakes in my time and not telling you about the stupid lockdown was one of them! But please, please do not tell me you took that location out of spite.. Because of me?!" He questioned.

"They didn't know anything about an incubus being there." I replied.

"And you believe that do you?!"

"Stop shouting..."

"I feel I have to! You're not leaving me Kaylee that's final!"

Out of all his shouting the one thing that came through was 'You're not leaving me.' Was he that worried about me or was this Zak trying to show feelings?

"I have to." I spoke quietly.

"You- get out." He spoke making my eyes snap up to him. He stood here pinching the bridge of his nose hard.

"Zak I-"

"Just go Kaylee, if that's what you want. If I mean so little to you... Go."

That made me sit there.. "I'm doing it for you.." I answered looking at him.

His hand dropped from his face and went to his hip "Really? What do I want that you can't give me then?" He asked.

I chewed my lip for a better word but I couldn't get one... So I ran with it. "Sex."

He scoffed and sat down beside me on the bed "You think that's all I want from you huh?"

I shrugged "I don't really know anything.. Not right now. I just have images every time I try to think, sordid disgusting images that I can't get out of my mind! Look at me Zak! I'm losing it, I know I am and I don't want to drag you down with me. I can't be that woman.. The one where we spent nearly two days in bed. I can't be her anymore. I'm not her anymore."

"Well what if I didn't want her."

"Good cause she's gone! I'm gone! I- I don't even know who I am right now." I answered honestly twisting my fingers nervously.

"Well.. You're Kaylee, sometimes Sheila. You were born in Australia-"

"You know what I mean... For as long as I could remember I wanted to be an investigator... Like you. Make it big, have it all. But right now the idea of the dark scares me. Sleeping alone scares me, but trying to be intimate after everything? That terrifies me, it makes me feel physically sick. I don't even want this body. I don't want me I don't want any of it. It's defiled and abuse-"

"Hey, hey stop." He interrupted me.

"It's true. Look at my skin Zak.. I'm covered in bruises, you are terrified to touch me incase I break. That ballsy woman you called Sheila? She's gone Zak. Gone."

"It's shock." He whispered taking my hands.

I shook my head and squeezed his hand "I don't think it is.. I think that this is me now." I replied.

"Look at me." He demanded tugging my hands. I looked up into his stormy eyes seeing myself in them.

"You are tired, you're not eating and surviving on water..." He shook his head "you're mind isn't getting enough and you probably are getting some depressive notions, sweetie, you just got rid of a demon who tortured you with sexual notions every minute for the last week.. For you not to feel like this would have me seriously concerned. Seriously concerned. I wanted to take you to up into Red
Rock today. So we could do some mediating and cleansing up there, I don't like you being call cooped up in here.." He spoke soothing his thumb over my hand.

"Have you and Elle had sex?"

The question took him and myself off guard, it was like a verbal Tourette moment, I didn't even know it was going to come up or out.

He leant back and shook his head "No, I would never do that to you, what made you thi-"

I looked away from him and down at my lap frowning "It showed you me and her right?" He asked. I nodded.

"What else?" He asked softly.

"E-everything," I shook my head "It has everything, from us to you and Elle to you hurting me, some seriously dark stuff... Then I left the diner with it. How come I didn't notice it wasn't you? I even asked about those damn rosary beads! I believed it when it lied!"

"Hey. Those things, they are designed to lie and deceive people, born into it all. I'll admit I've had reservations about you staying with me. But the idea of you staying with someone else sets me on edge."

"I'm weaker when I'm with you." I admitted.

He nodded "I know and you know why? Because when you are with me, you haven't got to worry about a damn thing. I have your back, you know that. Kay, I know this has been messy and you don't feel yourself right now, but I promise you. I promise you... You will get back to yourself. I will help you find yourself, bit by bit. Hell chromosome by chromosome if I have to!"

I nodded as tears spilled from my eyes.

"But you gotta stay for me to help okay?"

I nodded again making him let go of my hands to wipe my tears away. He kissed my forehead gently.

"Good, now let's get up to those mountains." He whispered before standing up.

I watched him dig out shoes and a hat for me, I kept wiping my tears away as he got himself sorted. My body felt cold when it was away from his, I felt empty and needed to be near him constantly. I wanted to because I was scared...

Scared of something I hadn't had for a very very long time. I was scared that I loved him, I was scared because no matter how much I did, and I knew I did... It would never be returned. Not how I wanted it.

"Zak?" I spoke softly making him poke his head around the door with a cap on sideways. The adorability of him was too much at times...

"Yes?"

"I like you."

He grinned and wet his lips "I think I like you too."