Demons without Desire

The antidote

I stroked his hair back as morning arrived, exhausted and with chronic back ache I had sat up the whole night soothing him back to sleep when he woke up from night terrors.

I dozed off once or twice but soon came back at the sound of his shouting and the unbelievable pressure of him holding my legs. Seeing his eye lashes blinking I placed my hand on the side of his face before playing with his ear gently.

I heard a sigh leave his body before his hand began moving up between my legs. I took his hand away and held it.

"No.. I don't want that." I whispered.

He pushed his face into my thigh and closed his eyes again. Exhausted, emotional and drained.. That's how I could describe him.

After a while he sat up and looked at me, I gave him a smile and went to the bathroom before opening the bedroom door to the garden letting air in and Gracie out. She had came in throughout the night and slept beside Zak, giving him love when he began stirring and talking in his sleep. She would press herself against him in an attempt to give him comfort. He then realised she was there and petted her before he would doze off into a deep sleep.

I took my position back on the bed when Zak grabbed my ankles and pulled me down the bed, laying flat he laid beside me and put his head to my chest.

How good it felt to lay down!! My god!

"A little longer then we need to get food into you." I whispered. I felt him shake his head and clench his eyes shut.

Lockdown hangovers and bad energy was my diagnoses, plus whatever happened on that flamin' lockdown that caused him to come home early and for Aaron to end up in hospital.

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I woke alone spread eagle on the bed, sitting up instantly I listened trying to work out if Zak was in the shower. Not hearing the water I got up and made my way through the house to find him. I was about to take the stairs after checking the kitchen and lounge when I heard his voice. The garden..

Stepping out the doors I looked around and found him sat on the garden furniture. I walked over and rubbed his shoulder. Slowly massaging the tension away I saw a bruise..

Then another. And another..

"Zak?" I rounded the furniture looking at his face and neck.

"Have you been fighting?" I asked making him look away.

"Did you put Aaron in the hospital?!"

"No." He snapped before pinching his nose.

"Babe why are- who gave you them?" I asked looking at what looked like finger marks..

"Me. I did them."

"Okay..." I frowned sitting on the table in front of him.

"I was choking.."

"On what?" I questioned.

"Nothing.." He answered making me even more confused.

"So you were being strangled?"

"Yes."

"But by nothing?"

"I was. It was me. I was strangling myself." He said twisting his rings around.

"But why? Why did you want to hurt yourself?"

The more I asked the more concerned I was growing for him, just exactly what the hell happened?!

"I wasn't trying to hurt myself.. I was trying to kill myself."

I sat back horrified at what he had just admitted.

"Oh.." I whispered through watery eyes.

Noticing he had no rosary on I undid the one around my neck.

"Put it on Kaylee." He spoke staring at me as I moved his hands and sat on his lap.

"I will.. Only if you will?" I asked holding it up.

"I can't.. I ca-"

"Yes you can. You can look at me." I whispered. As he stared at me I gave him a kiss and placed it around his neck, I clipped it on and moved away looking down at his chest.

"No... No I don't want it on!" He shook his head and went to pull it off.

"You keep it on. If you love me and want to protect me from whatever came home with you.. You'll keep it on."

"But you need it more than me?! Can't you understand that?!" He asked getting increasingly louder.

"I do.. That's why we are going to go indoors and get me one then we are gonna get food into ourselves. You hear me?"

He ignored my question as he tried to continue about the rosary. "You need to we-"

"Yes or no?!" I snapped over the top of him. He paused and looked down at the chain before nodding.

"Good.. Let's go then." I slipped off his lap and guided him to the bedroom and to the wardrobe finding out another I put it in and looked over at him. His face was crumpled making me hold his hand.

"What's wrong? Is it hurting you?" I asked quietly.

"I couldn't stop... I was squeezing but I couldn't stop myself. I could have left you here.. Alone. Gracie wouldn't have had me anymore or you. I'm a terrible owner." He answered shaking  his head.

I clicked when I saw a photo of himself and Gracie sat on the chest of drawers. He must have been looking at that.

"Hey, you're a great owner and surrogate father. Don't you ever question that. Ever. Look at me? You think you were gonna sneak off this plain and I wouldn't hunt your ass down and give you hell in the next life? Zak wherever you are, I'd find you. Just to kick your ass."

He let out a small chuckle wiping his eyes.

"What happened.. It's happened and I know you're trying to deal with it the best you can. But if you need to just cry, then do it. I won't think any less of you. Hell I'm always crying.."

"Because I'm a terrible partner."

"No, it's because you are so darn supportive, I feel I can let it all out with you. I know you won't judge me or tell me to man up. You know these things get to you. You lost yourself on lockdown.. Yes?"

He nodded.

"But you found your way home.. Back to me, back to Gracie. We're together, you know we are stronger together don't you?"

He nodded again.

"Then for crying out loud just allow yourself to feel.. If you want smash shit up then go in the garage and take it out on the punch bag. If you wanna scream and shout, let's go up red rock and find the highest point and scream our lungs out. If you want to sleep then let's sleep. Babe, if you wanna cry? Then just cry.. You're with me. I'll hold you and rub your back until the end of time but you got to let it out. Bottling it only makes it worse."

He looked up and stared at me "what?"

"When did you become so brainy?"

"Are you suggesting I was dumb before?" I teased.

"No.. Just- I feel like.."

I was sitting forward for his answer on what he feels..

"I feel like I want to hold you until the end of time. I think.. I think you're my antidote to the evil and that's why it attacks you so badly.. Kaylee you're special beyond means and I know I sound crazy but you could be my protector.. You could be my guardian angel." He explained. I gave him a smile when my brain was going crazy.

Zak pulled me into a hug as I sat there stunned at that small revelation of his. Because what he just said was what I was thinking less than 2 days ago, only about him.

I wondered if it was just coincidental? Or if his loving attachment was at work between us...