Only You(Tube) // A Joe Sugg FanFiction [EDITING]

Chapter 15

A/N

If you guys can relate to this next chapter about cancer and you think it might make you upset please don't read. I'd hate to think of people being upset over this, so just thought I'd give you guys a warning. Please bear in mind that this topic is very sensitive and mature before you read it.
Mazzie

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That's it. It feels like someone has taken a knife and stabbed it straight through my heart, but it's not quite able to kill me. I cry put in disbelief, a noise that is fairly shrill, and sob into Finn's chest - he's crying, too. The first to come and investigate what is going on is, quite naturally, Jack. He looks at Finn and he nods understandingly. Jack knows too? Were they ever going to tell me or just let me find out for myself? I don't know, and it isn't important now. I can hardly breathe because of the pain in my chest, the tightening that warns me that this is the worst news I'll ever receive in my whole life, and that everything will be different from now on. How will we adjust? Things just won't be the same anymore.

I've never felt anything like it. My head aches, my habds shake as I hold onto Finn, trying to calm myself down and pull myseld together. That isn't physically possible at this moment in time. My brothers are attempting to comfort me, telling me it has been a huge shock to everyone. 'Why wasn't I told sooner?' I whisper, still dumbfounded, wiping my tears. The boys exchange looks with one another. My breathing speeds up and soon I'm hardly breathing for panic that has swarmed my soul. I just wish that the invisible knife would be removed from my heart and the pain would go away instantly. Jack grabs my hand and falls into the sofa, his eyes filled with tears. We are all extremely raw from this need.

'It isn't fair.' I whisper, just loud enough for my brothers to hear. We can do nothing. I can't contain it; the heavy breathing, the tears, the constant hicoughing caused from all the tears and wishing of all the pain to go away. My mum is seriously ill and I can't help her. All I can do is sit by her side and hope. That's what makes it worse. The knowledge that this is her new life. Her new life of hospitals, pain, chemo and grief. But then there is the knowledge of our new lives; pain, grief, worry. And that's how it works, and it's not going to work any differently.

Once my breathing has steadied only slightly, there's another question I need to know. ' What stage is it?' Finn runs a hand through his hair as Jack answers my question solemnly.

'Stage three.' Stage three. Not stage one. Not the safest stage of cancer where you think "I can probably do this with some help from the medications", it's the stage where you think, "okay, I could live but it could beat me altogether". That's the inevitable truth. I cry silently the more I think about my mum. Jack and Finn are crying too - we are all just huge, traumatised messes that will now forever live with the thought of "this is serious" in the back of our minds.

I hear footsteps running down the stairs and automatically know that there is more than one set. First, I see Tan. Then Zoë and Alfie. I see Joe lurking at the back, trying to get a better view. His face just makes me feel worse. The worry I see in those mesmerising features is unreal. 'I need some space.' I begin, standing up. I am too overwhelmed to see anyone here. I feel angry at the cancer and every thinkable topic in the world.

'I can't do it right now, it's all a bit to much. I can't breathe. I need some air and I meed some space.' I hurry past everyone and head out of the front door. I rush down the drive until I reach the road. I have no shoes on but I don't care. I just keep running and running and running until I can't stop.

After an hour or so, when my legs feel like they are going to give way, I see the entrance to a forest, which has a distinct path. I follow it to a clearing. A green grassy hill with trees either side and large boulders at the top, which is slightly flat, before it slopes again. The sky is inky black and speckled with silvery stars, a crescent moon hanging low. I walk to the top and collapse on the boulder, sobbing. I can't take the pain. My back slowly slopes down the rock and I hit the floor hard, crying like never before.

-*-

I wake to a dawn lit sky; orange, pink and red and the face of Joe Sugg leaning over me. I scream and shove him away, hardly realising it's him. 'What the fuck?' Joe breathes, looking startled. 'You gave me a bloody heart attack!' I look at him but don't say anything. Joe can normally make me laugh no matter what he does, but today is different. He frowns as I divert my gaze to look at the beautiful sunrise. God, I wish I had my camera. I wish I had my phone so I could ring my mum and see if she is alright.

'Are you okay?'

'No.'

'Do you want to talk?'

'No.'

'Do you want me to leave?'

'No.'

'Do you want me to go and get your brothers?'

'No.'

'Do you want to borrow my phone?'

'Yes.'

Joe hands me the phone and I dial my mum's number. It rings for a while before she picks up. 'Hello?' I've woken her up, haven't I?

'Mum?' I feel my cheeks getting soaked from my tears yet again.

'Oh, sweetheart! I know, I know.' Mum is crying too, and I can't bear it.

'Are you okay?' I ask.

'Yes, I'm doing as good as I can get.' I know she's lying to me to make me feel better. 'Okay, mum. I'm going to let you sleep now. But ring me when you're awake and you have the energy.'

'Alright. Bye, darling. Love you.'

'I love you too, mum.'