Only You(Tube) // A Joe Sugg FanFiction [EDITING]

Chapter 34: Depression

A/N

IT'S UP! I worked so hard to re-write this so I can get it up for y'all. Also, this chapter is about depression, as obviously stated in the title, just to warn you if you don't feel comfortable. Hope you guys enjoy, I've been working every spare minute to get this wrote. So enjoy!

Mazzie.

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I stare at my reflection in the mirror, contemplating. I lift up my top carefully and sigh, looking at my stomach. My ribs are still sticking out but not as much, my stomach seems to be flatter rather than a dint in my body. Sure, the extra weight is healthy enough but it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like me. I double check that the door is locked as a tear slips down my cheek. Soon, they're gushing like waterfalls. I place the knife to my arm and take a deep breath. Do I really want to do this? Yes, it looks like I do.

I cry out as the blade pierces my skin, scarlet red trickling from the large cut now etched into my skin. I clap a hand to my mouth and bite down on my finger to stop myself making any more painful noises; I don't want to wake Joe. I continue to scratch away until I begin to feel light headed. My arm is covered in blood. I press a finger against one of the cuts, gasping at the stinging sensation. The blood begins to smudge as I rub it around my skin. Once again, I place the knife to my arm and cut deeper than I expected to as a loud noise startles me.

The knocks on the door get louder and longer. 'Estelle, what are you doing?' Joe shouts through from the other side of the door.

'N-nothing, Joe.' I reply shakily. The thought of Joe seeing me in this state makes me shudder. 'Estelle, let me in!' He moans, banging on the door.

'No, Joe!' I reply harshly, checking the lock. The banging gets louder and goes on for so long I'm forced to sit on the floor as my legs are so shaky. It stops and I hear the lock being picked. The door swings open and Joe is standing in the doorway, looking so hurt I have to look away.

'Estelle, what are you doing?' He asks softly, seeing my arm. He crouches next to me and takes my arm in his hand, wiping the blood with some tissue. I stay quiet as tears fall quickly down my cheeks. 'Joe, don't!' I moan, getting up and taking myself to the living room. Joe follows me and puts his hand on my back, tracing circles into the material of my top. 'Joe, I'm not good enough. You can just leave if you want.' I sob. Joe looks confused.

'Estelle, why would I travel half way up the country -'

'I NEVER ASKED YOU TO! That was your own fucking choice.' I raise my voice, suddenly angry. My expression softens. 'I'm sorry, Joe.' I mutter.

Joe smiles sadly at me and goes to make a phone call, probably to get a doctors appointment for me. Tan shows up a little while later, so I leave Joe to explain what is going on whilst I get ready. I change into black leggings and a burgundy jumper. Soon enough, we're leaving for the doctors.

When I am called, I tell Joe and Tan I can go by myself and that they should just wait for me outside. The doctor asks me a tonne of very depressing questions, all of which I answer with a yes. 'Okay, I would say it's depression. I can get you some tablets for it and some psychology sessions.'

'Okay, thank you.' I reply. The doctor prints me a prescription off and I thank her once again before leaving the room. Joe and Tan are waiting outside, like I asked them to. I tell them that it is depression and Joe takes my hand and pulls me into a huge hug, kissing my forehead. Tan squeezes me tightly as well and then we go to get the tablets. I feel really bad, Tan is travelling back soon.

We get back to my apartment and Tan collects her stuff before hugging me. 'Thanks for having me.' She smiles.

'Thanks for coming. Sorry I ruined it.' I sigh.

'You didn't ruin it. I'll ring you tonight to check you are definitely okay. See you soon, love.'

'Okay, bye hun. Will miss you!' I say as she hugs Joe and leaves for her car. I shut the door and turn around to face Joe. 'Alright,' he begins, picking me up and carrying me to the sofa, lying me on it. 'I am making the executive decision to move in. You are not changing my mind, I need to keep an eye on you.'

'Urm, okay. There's no point trying to change your mind, it won't work.'

I lie on the sofa for a little while longer whilst Joe goes to phone Caspar and let him know he is coming to get some stuff. I find my phone and call my brothers first. I think they deserve to know more than anyone about everything that has happened so far today. I ring Finn first to tell him the news.

'Hey -'

'Bad or good news first?' I ask, not wanting to waste time.

'Um, bad.' He replies.

'Okay, I've got depression.' There is no sound coming from the other end of the line and I am beginning to think that he's hung up. 'Finn?'

'Yeah? Sorry, I'm just shocked. Are you okay?' He replies worriedly.

'Oh, aye. Got some medicine and things like that to help me.'

'Oh good. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen.'

'The good news is that Joe is moving in!' I sing happily.

'That's great, congrats!'

'Thanks. He's just going to keep an eye on me.' I go quiet after speaking.

'Are you going to ring Jack?' Finn finally asks. I sigh.

'Yeah, I should.'

'Alright, I'll leave you to it. Bye!'

'Bye!' I reply, hanging up and finding Jack's contact in my phone. I can feel the tension of the whole situation growing already.