Under The Influence

Love Gon Go

Shawnie's POV

We go back into his bedroom. I walk in and sit on "my side" of the bed. He closes and locks the door behind him, then he sits down on his side. I noticed we had our backs to each other, which never happens and we were sitting on opposite sides of the bed. I don't know what's going through his head but I do know him doing cocaine is something that I am not gonna deal with. I have dealt with this shit before and I refuse to do it again.

I know he knows this is a conversation that needs to be had for us to fix this and move on. The mood is awkwardly comforting. I'm his baby, so I know he's happy we're speaking and I'm happy he hasn't discarded me yet. I've put him through a lot.

What's going through my head is that we have a lot of things to talk about. We both have separate feelings and separate views on the situation with Ammika, and about what happened today and then we both have our personal issues and demons that we're dealing with. Not to mention, a past in our separate lives that we haven't gotten over yet. I'm still dealing with issues I dealt with, with my ex and some other things and he knows all about those situations. I'm just not sure we should've got into this relationship when we did. It's not that I'm not over my ex because I am, I just haven't gotten over the things that happened in that relationship. He tore me down and I'm still trying to build myself back up and get back to myself, then there's other things that I don't want to talk about.

"Here's the deal..." He says in a low, deep voice, still with his back to me and I'm distracted from my thoughts. "Sometimes....I don't know where to place my anger and as a result of that, I sometimes flip out like that. It's not an excuse but it's the truth. I damn sure didn't know how to deal with what happened today. I was just trying to get my mind off of it. Please don't judge me, I just wanted to forget. I haven't done that shit in a while and I'm thankful that you came down when you did. So thank you."

"You're welcome." Is all I say.

"I realized I fucked up and I want to apologize for yelling and spazzing out on you. When I saw how scared you were, that kind of freaked me out because I never want you to feel threatened by me in anyway. So I'm sorry for that. We've kind of been inseparable since we met and I just didn't know how to handle you wanting to leave." He admits

"I know we have and believe me, I know how much you care about me, that's the exact reason I am trying to work this out right now. If you cheated on me with her, I just want you to say that you did and we can move on and address these issues as they come. We're so close, you should be able to tell me. I'm the closest thing to you, I'm the closest thing to your heart."

"You are my heart." He says

"I definitely believe that but you just need to be honest with me."

"That baby isn't mine, Shawnie. I swear. Obviously, I posted the comments, but I didn't see her that night." He says

"Okay." Is all I have to say about that. "I won't say anything else about that But you need to be honest with yourself too, Chris. You have some issues to and if you want me to, I'll be here to help you through this stuff. I'll be there to talk to you if you need me to, I'll be there if you want to go to therapy, I'll even be there if you want me to go to therapy with you because I'm not gonna leave you when you need me and I'm sorry that you felt that way earlier but I just felt we needed a little space."

"I get it and once again, I'm sorry I freaked out the way I did. It's just that this has happened in my last four relationships. I might get into some trouble and they don't want to deal with it, so they leave. My ex could've stayed with me, the baby was not mine. Yes, I did cheat on her, but the baby wasn't mine. I feel like we could've worked things out and she just got out as soon as she saw an open door and with you, I didn't cheat on you. Therefore, I know the baby isn't mine and it makes me even more angry, because this is literally repeating history. I don't want to lose you. You mean more to me than anyone ever has and I'm willing to do the work to try to fix everything." He says honestly and I really do believe him now.