Under the Influence

No Guidance

Shawnie's POV

It's been two weeks since the day everything blew up. Since I picked up Chris's phone and saw what I wasn't supposed to see. I know I crossed a line going through it. I do. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to regret it. Because whatever that was, whatever he had going on with that girl, it was heading somewhere. And I caught it before it got there. Before it turned into something I couldn't come back from. That doesn't make it hurt any less.

Things between us haven't really been the same since that day. On the surface, we're okay. We laugh, we talk, we move around each other like nothing's broken. But underneath that, it's off. Tense in a way that doesn't always show, but it's there. I still feel it. I still feel everything. I'm still mad.

That day in the studio, the way everything unfolded, the way I completely lost it, and then what happened after, in the house, in my closet. I meant what I said. I was leaving. I was done. For real this time. I had already made that decision in my head. If he hadn't stopped me the way he did I would've walked out and never come back.

And that's the part I keep replaying, because I was scared. I don't even like admitting that, but I was. The way he came at me, the way his voice changed, the way he looked at me it wasn't the Chris I know when he's grounded. It wasn't the version of him I feel safe with. But at the same time, I didn't think it would go further. I knew it wouldn't escalate past that moment.

And I hate that I even had to think like that. But it all keeps circling back to the same thing.

The drugs. It's always the drugs. Because when he's clean, he's different. Softer. More present. More in control. That version of him doesn't scare me. That version of him loves me the way I need to be loved. And I hold onto that. Probably tighter than I should.

Since that night, he's been clean again. I guess. There have been no signs of anything. He appears to be focused. I see it. I really do. And I hate that those weeks he had just gone down the drain like that.

I still blame myself for this happening because if I were there that night, if I had just answered my damn phone, maybe none of that would've happened. Maybe he wouldn't have spiraled. Maybe he wouldn't have picked anything up. Maybe he wouldn't have even been in the headspace to entertain that girl.

I keep going back to that moment. I hate that I went to work that day. I hate that he needed me, and I wasn't there. And it hits deeper than just him. It reminds me of something else. The feeling of not showing up when someone needs me, is familiar in a way that makes me sick. Like I failed before, and I'm doing it all over again.

And that's hard to live with.

Now he's in Miami, shooting a video with Aubrey of all people, which is a situation in itself. We both agreed it was better if I stayed back. Less tension, less drama, less opportunity for something to go wrong. Chris said it himself, if he had to watch Aubrey around me, he wouldn't handle it well and I believe him. So I stayed.

I'm at home, trying to keep busy and not overthink everything, but that's easier said than done.

I'm currently standing in my bathroom, anxiously awaiting results. At first, I was taking pregnancy tests every day, but I had to stop because I was obsessing over it, so I started doing it randomly. They all have come back negative. I told him I wanted him to stop and we stopped having sex, and when we did get back around to having sex again he pulled out, but recently, he hasn't been pulling out. He's been cumming inside of me, so if I wasn't pregnant then, I'm sure I am now.

I haven't taken one in a couple of weeks, because of everything that went down with Chris. I've been on his ass about staying clean and I haven't been really focused on myself. I'm taking this test today because I think I'm starting to show signs of pregnancy. My breasts have been super sore, I'm having waves of nausea due to certain smells, and the big one, finally, a late period.