Why? ~Jaden Hossler~

Chapter 48

~ Jaden's POV~
A week passed since I... yeah I'm not saying it. I can't believe myself. Why would I do that? Why would I break her heart? Why would break my own heart? I know exactly what happened in that moment. In my heart I knew I shouldn't do it, I knew I would lose her. Not only as my girlfriend, but also as my best friend. But in that moment my mind took over and I felt like I couldn't do anything. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous. But I guess that is what drugs does to you. I'm sitting here in my room. All alone. I haven't spoken to anyone for the past week, not even my mom. Even tho she had been calling and texting me for days. I haven't posted anything on social media, and if I'm honest I'm really done with it. I'm done with everything. I was supposed to go to the studio two days ago, but I cancelled everything. The guys haven't talked told me either. And I don't blame them. Speaking of them, someone just knocked on my door.

"Come in", I said sitting on the floor in front of my bed. Anthony walked in and frowned at me. He sat down on the chair in my room and just looked at me. After a few minutes of us just staring at each other I stood up, not wanting to hear what he has to say. Because I know how horrible I've been. And I know drugs is not a solution. And I know I broke Kate's heart. But just like I just said, my mind took over and everything went numb. "Sit down", Anthony said with a stern voice with a bit of anger. Still not blaming him for that. I huffed and sat down on my bed. "Are you on something?", he asked. "Yeah, why?", I answered bluntly. "Because I want to know why you started in the first place... the real reason", he said with a little more sympathy in his voice. And I really mean a little bit. "I don't need this now", I said standing up again not wanting to talk about it. "No Jay, sit down. We are talking about this. I'm not gonna let my best friend ruin himself and bring everyone who loves him down with it", he said raising his voice. I was shocked. Just like that night it happened. Anthony never raises his voice or gets aggressive. Yes I do remember that punch. It actually did hurt. I sighed and sat down again.

"... I don't know how to explain it actually", I chuckled. Not forgetting that I'm on drugs right now. "Just tell me", he said. "Okay fine. I feel like I don't deserve Kate... not as a girlfriend and especially not as a friend", I said looking down at my hands. "I've put her thru so much shit the past half year. And she just takes it like it's nothing, but I know I messed up. I know that!", I said frustrated with myself. "I hurt her, every time. And I promise her that I wouldn't do it anymore, but here we are again. I broke her heart without a good reason!", I said as the tears started to fall down. "She deserves do much more than this. She deserve a life with parents that are good and alive. She deserve a boy that loves her... and not break her heart. She deserves the world", I said sobbing now. I don't know why it's coming out know and why I couldn't just tell Kate this. "I messed up Ant, again... I almost lost her a few years ago when I pulled the same shit. And I can't seem to learn from my stupid actions. I'm such an id- ", I rambled. "Wait. What do you mean?", Anthony asked cutting me off. "What?", I asked catching my breath. "You said you almost lost her a few years ago. What do you mean by that?", he asked frowning. "I-I", I stuttered. I didn't mean to blur that out. "Uhm... when... Tyrone passed away. I took my grief and anger out on her", I said looking away from him. "What? Physically?!", he asked frantically. "No! Of course not! I.... blamed it on her and she almost... overdosed that night... because of me...", I said tearing up thinking about that night. I've never been that scared and mad at myself in my whole life.

After an awkward silence there was a thud from right next to me. From Kate's room. Did she? Fuck! Anthony and I looked at each other and shot up. We ran to Kate's room and she laid on the ground unconscious. Her cheek was bleeding as she probably hit her face on the counter. I ran up to her and sat her head on my lap. Please tell me she didn't... Anthony handed me a cloth to stop the bleeding. "Call an ambulance! Now!", I yelled at him. He walked out and started to call. "Please Kate, don't leave me", I said sobbing and stroking her hair. I looked around the floor and saw little white capsules over the floor. No no no. Please no. I looked further and saw a bottle. I reached for it and picked it up. I turned it so I could see the label. Oh no. These are mine. She took... drugs. I teared up again and threw the bottle to the other side of the bathroom. I hate myself. Why? Why? I can't lose her. "Please Kate...", I said sobbing uncontrollably. "I-I love you... I'm s-sorry... please d-don't leave m-me", I said having hick-ups from crying. "They're here" Anthony said walking in. I nodded and the paramedics came in. "What happened?", one of them asked while helping her. The other one was checking her pulse. "I-I think s-she... overdosed", I said looking at her lifeless body. Her room filled with the boys and I couldn't imagine the way they were looking at me right now. "Okay, we will take her with us. You can drive behind us if you want", one guy said as they put her on a stretcher. I nodded and saw them take her back to the ambulance. I just started at the doorway as she disappeared.