confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

This feel good.
This feels right.
Letting go of all of this and telling my sister just feels like something that should be happening.
She's handling it very well, usually Elphaba doesn't like criticism when it comes to how she looks after me.
I'm watching her now, the way her eyes are avoiding my gaze and how her hands are wrapped tight around mine, probably reassuring her more than me.
The way her posture as a whole seems stiff and anxious.
It's making me feel guilty for bringing it up.
"Are you okay?" I question carefully.
She nods slowly and blinks, her eyes all of a sudden meeting mine, unusually enough she's smiling.
Probably because I'm not shouting at her and that it's just us.

I know I shout a lot, I get upset very easily and that sadness then turns to anger.
I get overwhelmed far to quickly, the simplest things can upset me rather drastically.
A few weeks ago I had come into my bedroom and knocked the door stop by accident.
It would have been about an hour that I waited for Harley to come and open the door.
I was in floods of tears when she arrived, I didn't sleep at all that night.
At first Harley stayed for some extra time, but I just felt so silly that I was getting worked up over a shut door, that I convinced her that I was fine and that she could go.

I get worked up when I drop things too, if there's someone in the room with me I'm usually fine, once every couple of weeks Harley usually has to retrieve a bunch of dropped stationary from under my desk.
It's an odd feeling, like I'm not completely In control.
Because I'm unable to live on my own, but that doesn't mean that I'm not independent.
Im as independent as I'm ever going to be and I love it.
I love feeling that I'm helping myself as much as other people help me.
I've heard that some disabled people learn to transfer themselves from their chairs to their beds and whatnot but I was told by doctors multiple times as a child that I'd never be capable of that since I just would never be strong enough to do it.
And I'm okay with that, but I just feel that sometimes I am babied too much by everyone and it feels a bit disheartening.

"Nessa," Elphaba says suddenly sounding a lot more focused on her words "Nessa next time I upset you tell me and I won't argue with you I'll listen and I'll try to do better."
She sounds sincere, I believe her, I know she's just looking out for me but I don't always need it.
I'm a confident grown up woman, despite the fact I'm forever stuck looking eighteen.
I'm sure that will have its perks.
Hopefully.
Elphaba begins to cry all of a sudden, but hear tears are strange, quiet, almost muffled.
I think she's trying to stop me from hearing her sobs.
"Elphie." I breath in and out slowly, she look up at me, nodding slowly "can I have a hug?"
Elphaba leaps forward suddenly, flinging her arms around my sides.
Admittedly it's not helping my headache but it feels good to be held like this again.

After a while, Elphaba finally lets me go, I look out of my bedroom door, towards the office.
The memory of the glowing report comes back.
Boc is doing an amazing job, it's awfully petty of me to wish that he wasn't.
I should be putting the students before everything else, I normally would but I'm just upset that I'm not working and Boc has been finding it all so easily, I've always found being headmistress a challenging yet rewarding job.
But Boc seems to find it to be a cakewalk.
"Elphaba am I difficult?" I ask bluntly, Elphaba looks astonished.
She shakes her head rapidly,
"No!" She stares at me deeply "why ever would you ask that?"

I rethink my question, the word difficult can mean a lot of different things.
"I loose control really easily." I mumble, I think I'm about to cry, I hate the feeling of tears right at the back of your throat and there's nothing you can do about it.
"I shout or cry at people so often." I start to splutter "people have seen me mad more than they have happy."
Without warning Elphaba suddenly flings herself around me again, this time I can feel her crying, the sudden jerking movements that she makes to try and contain her tears.
"I know!" She cries "I know your not happy but I just don't know how to help, all I want is to help."
I wrap my arms around her in return and begin to cry myself.
"I don't know why either, I just am." I gasp through tears, "it's just like a wave of nothingness."

Elphabas grip toughens, I don't plan on letting her go and I don't think she's ever going to let me go either.
"I love you so much Elphaba." I whisper into her hair, all of a sudden she just stops crying, like the blanket of sadness had just been lifted away.
"You haven't told me that in so long." She reply's, "I've missed hearing it."
She said that it such a way that it's making me laugh.
Elphaba joins in nervously, she gently eases herself off of me and stares up into my sorrowful eyes.
"You still look like mother, even when your upset, you look just like her." Elphaba mumbles.
"Elphie, I'm scared."
She looks confused and rests a hand on my lap, I watch her do so.
It upsets me for some reason, since I know it's there but can't feel the weight of it, so I gently slide my hand underneath hers.
"Scared of what?" Elphaba asks lovingly.
I blink, forcing a cascade of tears to fall upon my cheeks.
"I'm used to feeling sad, it's almost my default."