confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Elphie

I took it.
I took the Halen without asking for it.
I'm a lier.
But I'm doing it, or at least, I've done it.
I've said the spell, the room is completely dark accept from the single candle, with its white flame.
Now all I have to do is wait for the figure of Frexpar to appear before me.
The candle roars and grown, the flame rockets towards the
Roof, as it twists and turns.
It stretches and shrinks, then the ghostly figure of Frexpar is there in front of me.

"F...father" I stutter, knows that he isn't but still saying it anyway, I'm suddenly quite overwhelmed, seeing him there, it terrifies me.
Frexpar looks down the end of his nose at me, his eyes narrow and he folds his arms.
I can see him far clearer than I could with mother.
"Elphaba..." he growls "even in death you find a way to disturb my peace."
I sit up straighter, I feel my lungs cling tightly to whatever breath I have left.
"Well?" Frexpar cries "is there a reason for this?"
I look around myself, hoping for something to have words written on it, words that I could shout at him.
"Nessarose she..."
I'm cut off.
Frexpar flickers in the light, his face grown worried.
"Nessarose!" He shouts, "if something's happened to her I'll kill you myself!"
He sounds so angry, but I know he can't do anything to harm me.
"Don't tell me." He sneers "You grew jealous, you killed her so you could be governesses yourself."

I'm determined to say what I need to say.
"Do you have any idea what you did to her?" I cry "how you stopped her from living the way she wanted to."
Frexpar disappears briefly then reappears, brighter than ever.
"Lies!" He screeches "I gave her everything, it was you who always failed her."
I hold back the tears that are inevitably coming.
"She's not happy!" I exclaim "she's not happy because of the way you treated her, made her feel like she was on some podium constantly."
Frexpar's figure turns away from me, he stairs aimlessly into the vast darkness of the room.
"All she wanted was to fit in and you made her feel like she had to amount to something or else you wouldn't love her, do you have any idea what you did?"

Suddenly he spins around, his eyes gleaming with hate,
"Why, why do you torment me with this?" He cries, his voice rattling my head "you were always a loathsome brat, your mother would be ashamed of you!"
I've given up shouting, because I know it's not true, I decide to use the one thing that I know he's guilty about.
"Aren't you the reason Nessa suffered? you fed mother the Milk Flower, your the problem Frex, not me."
Frex stops suddenly, his expression unreadable.
"Your just as bad as I am." He says, unusually calm "that's the problem with your sister, she's lovely, you want to make everything better for her but you just make things worse."
He looks miserable.
And for the first time I realise that we are almost the same.
"I never saw her as imperfect, now I'm dead I can say what I want, I hate you because your the reason I tried to fix a child that wasn't even broken yet, I knew Nessarose was unhappy, I've always known but there was nothing I could do."
I won't listen to him justify himself, he's not right, Nessa doesn't have some incurable sadness.

"Your sisters unwell Elphaba, she always had been." Frex pauses, then breathes a sigh of sadness "though what do you expect, she spent half her life with hate in her heart and nothing anyone could do would be enough."
I just stare at him, waiting for him to say something, he's right.
Why did I do this?
He's completely right but I want to hate him so badly.
"All I wanted was to help her, I didn't care about the cost, she looked just like your mother, I couldn't loose the both of them, you have to at least understand me."
I do, but I won't admit it to him.

"I didn't get to hold my sister until she was three months old!" I cry "I did nothing to deserve that, you didn't let me bond with her as a baby and then you suddenly made me care for her, how was that fair, I barley knew her then I had to learn so much so quickly."

Frexpar puts his hand up and I stop talking.
"Is she here?" He asks desperately "I'm plagued with the fear of her death."
I don't have the heart to tell him that she had died and that I brought her back to life.
I don't have the heart to tell him that I gave her the ability to walk and she gave it up.
I don't have the heart to tell him that she's no longer the governor.
"No, she's not here, she's out." I mutter quickly, just trying to get the words out and not overthink them.
"No doctor could help her," Frex mumbles "physically and mentally drained, your sister was. I would go back and do things differently, but I wouldn't change her for the world, I never cared if she was governor or not, it was just all I could give to her."

I don't want to listen, he's changed, death changes us all.
Mother realised how much she'd missed and is trying to make it up.
Nessa became les scared of abandonment.
And Frex, he seems sincere.
And I hate it.
Nessa and I spent so long complaining about him and blaming everything on him.
But it may just be cruel circumstance.
I hear Frex mutter to himself.
I think about what he said, about her being unwell in the head.
Perhaps he's right, I've always thought that was wasn't quite right, of course I still think that's she's an wonderful person and has a pure soul but that doesn't change that she's put up with a lot of things in silence.