confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Elphie

I lie in bed, flat on my back.
Gazing up at the chipped ceiling, I've never been able to sleep in this position so I don't know why I'm in it.
Perhaps it's because it's how my sister has to sleep every night.
But the thing is, it's not even night time, it's the afternoon.
I loudly announced to Albert, Glinda and Boc that I was having a nap.
So I guess I should follow it through.
But alas, as I lie here reminded of my sister, sleep will not take me.

I have no interest in going back downstairs, I just want to be alone with my thoughts, but sometimes my thoughts are scary.
No matter how grown up I seem to think I had, I'm still scared of the unknown.
I remember that I shared a bed with Nessa once when we were kids, I was around six so Nessarose couldn't have been anymore than three years old.
She awoke in the middle of the night, complaining of night terrors.
I had already understood that my job as her older sister was to make sure she was happy and if I didn't stop her from being scared she would've called for our father.
And with it being the middle of the night, I knew he wouldn't be in the greatest of moods.
So I did what I thought was best, I got into bed and slept next to her, one of the only nights were Nessa slept on her side without falling onto her front.
I spent the whole night with my arms tightly wrapped around her.

Father wasn't happy about it, Nessa didn't understand why he cared so much, he said it was because I could have hurt her legs by rolling onto them as I slept.
To my six year old self that hurt me inside, because I would never have willing done anything that would have hurt my sister.
If only my former self could see me now I wonder if she would be proud of me.
I wouldn't be particularly proud of myself but oh well.
A bet my younger self never imagined to find love.
And to find someone as wonderful as Fiyero.
I truly am blessed in a sense.

It's weird when your alone, I tend to get awfully sentimental.
Always thinking about when I was young.
The first time I got to hold Nessa properly,
The first book I ever read, sleeping beauty or when Nessa and I decided to have a teddy bear war.

We sat on opposing sides of the room and pelted Nessas stuffed toys at each other.
And there was plenty of ammo.
Unfortunately for me father came in as this war was just heating up, he ended the battle pretty quickly.
I was sent to bed and made to apologise and Nessa was given my helping of pudding.
Though she snuck it to me under her blanket, for it was winter time, it had melted a bit but I didn't mind.
It's funny, in a sense I miss being a child, in sure Nessa does too sometimes.
Life was simpler, my biggest worry was a few nasty, judgemental glares on the street.
I don't miss father, not at all.
He hardly knew how to parent, overly aggressive with me and practically smothered Nessa.
She probably misses him, she has every right to, I wouldn't blame her.
It must be a lot for her to take in, I have a dad who I won't complain about anymore and our mother has just come back whom Nessa has never actually met.
It must all be a lot to manage.

I don't know how I'm so okay with it all, I suppose I've just come to accept that nothing ever really goes to plan.
I mean with being green and all, you kinda just learn to live with all the havoc.
When the biggest commotion is you, you kind of get used to it.
Nessa never did, even though shes an adult now, she still hates the fuss that people make of her.
I know I still make a fuss.
Especially as she's stuck, permanently looking like she's eighteen.
I still can't believe that my baby sister is twenty years old, it just doesn't feel right.
Lying like this just makes me think, what does Nessa do in the mornings before Harley gets there?
She must just stay in bed, waiting, tediously.
I'd hate to have to just stay there, I know that she hates it too, but she won't say anything about it because she doesn't want anyone else's help.

I get what that's like.
In a sense.
I get wanting to feel like your strong enough to not need to people around you, but I always caved in and accepted help.
There's a scuffling sound from the hallway and Glinda all of a sudden pokes her head around the door, she notices that I'm awake and scuttles inside.
"Are you not able to sleep?" She asks, flopping her head to one side.
I shake mine in response,
"Nessas fine, you know that." Glinda says firmly, I nod once again, still unconvinced.
"Did you actually want to sleep or did you just want to be alone, because I understand if you want me to leave." I sigh, reluctant to talk.
I don't want to start pouring with emotion and worries.
But I know it's inevitable.
"I don't know." I mutter flatly, I'm not angry at anyone accept myself and I'm not sure why that is.
Glinda sighs softly, her feet tap against the hard wooden floor.
"You shouldn't keep this all bottled up, you know." She whispers "because it will hurt more people than just you."

Not a sound is made for a brief while, I consider never speaking again but that's just stupid.
I can't just ignore my problems, that's what Nessa does and it doesn't work.
Hiding from things never works.
We should have never left Oz in the first place.