confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

I lie in bed above the blankets, starring up at the ceiling, it's golden and floral, shiny, sculpted vines curl around the roof and the edge of the wall.
I can't quite tell if I've been to sleep or if I've just been starring up at the golden nothingness for far too long now that everything seems to have skipped ahead.
I feel different.
What happened today is something that I'll never forgive myself for, I've never been so powerful, it's as exhilarating as it is mortifying.
If I could only learn to control the feeling then I could finally do some good, instead I'm in bed too scared to breathe or think.
I've caused so much damage and yet no one seems to hate me.
Not sure as to why, unless they're afraid I may hurt them.

If I listen carefully enough I can replay the sounds of the floor cracking, inside my head.
The noise echos and reverberates through my brain and it makes me feel sick, I didn't mean to cause so much pain.
I came here to help the citizens of the emerald city and instead I've caused them an undeniable amount of damage to their pride and joy.
If I'm to return home and attempt to make use of my role as governor then I shall have to try to make my people happy with me as their ruler, the fact that everyone seems to view me as frail and dainty, however infuriating, may prove to be a huge advantage of mine.
After all, my father always said to me as a child that the key to leading is to play to your strengths and if I let them all pity me they may be less scared of what I'm capable of and what I've done.

That was my problem when I was governor, my father before me was an excellent monarch, and I tried to be greater than him by disregarding the knowledge he bestowed upon me.
I was driven by sadness and pain, but now I want to make amends and munchkin land needs a ruler who is going to help and besides, if they've believed that I was ruling all this time then they can't hate me, I've done them no wrongs.
I've also done them no rights.
To my right however, my sister is lying on a lounger beneath the window, her eyes are open and she has a solemn expression on her face, she's probably argued with mayor Franklin.
I wouldn't want to think that my sister has angered him, as I remember my father saying that the emerald city socialites are a good circle to have close to you as they are the disgustingly rich and stingingly wealthy citizens of Oz and that they have always been great trading partners.
I hope I'm able to continue trading.

"Nessarose" my sister mutters after a while, I tense up, I don't want to talk to anyone, I was enjoying the silence so very much. "Nessarose what happened today?"
I hold my breath, hoping silently that I'll pass out before I have to answer anything.
"Nessa, do you feel unwell?" Elphie whispers frantically, suddenly sounding rather concerned.
As much as I want to hide away and never speak again, I can't leave my sister in so much horrible suspense.
"Elphaba go to sleep." I whispers meekly, "your tired, go to sleep."
To my dismay the sound of my voice leads to my sister sitting bolt upright on her window seat.
"Ness!" Elphaba cries, a wave of relief washing over her. "Nessa what happened in there?"
"It's not up for discussion." I bark, the light above me shaking at my anger and the shelf's and cabinets rattling in response.

I close my eyes wearily and attempt to fall asleep but I can feel my sisters gaze burning a hole through my head, stopping any kind of fathomable peace to slip out of my clutches.
So I just lay there, refusing eye contact with my sister and staring aimlessly at the ceiling, whilst my sister paces anxiously around the room.
The sound of her constant scampering footsteps are starting to grate at my ears and any hope that I once had about failing asleep is quickly dashed to pieces.
And then as if my dream of slumber couldn't get any farther away, the door clicks open and the galloping heels of Glinda tap their way into the centre of my room.
"Nessarose!" Glinda cries "oh dear me, Nessarose."

I open my eyes and glare angrily towards the ceiling.
"Glinda please don't pity me," I mumble sadly "not now."
I attempt to avoid eye contact for as long as I can and try as I might, I just can't seem to fall asleep.
I hate it, all I want is to go to sleep and try to forget what I've done but I can't, I've disgraced the emerald city, I've disgraced my name has governess and most of all I've dragged munchkin Land down with me.
The anger I felt for my sister saving me has returned, I can't ever forgive her for implanting me with this thing.
I can't bare to call it a gift anymore, it's humiliating, it's inconvenient and it's debilitating.
Oz already sees me as some frail, sickly women, I won't be seen as destructive too.

An agreements been made in the room, I'm not a part of it, nor do I know what has been agreed upon but I woke up to Glinda telling my sister that they are sure it's a god idea and she'll be back as soon as possible.
I haven't opened my eyes yet, I don't want to clue anyone in that I'm awake and I'm hoping that I'll fall back asleep before I have to acknowledge anything in the room.
I hear Glindas footsteps getting further away, so whatever plan she and my sister are trying to hatch, must already be in motion.
I just want to sleep.