confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

These hot towels are the greatest thing since sliced bread.
I would be writhing in agony right now if it wasn't for these miracle warm towels, I just hope that once I take the towel off, that I can feel a significant difference to the amount of pain I'd be in.
My Mother has this stupid lovingly smug expression on her face and Elphaba has left me alone with her.
I feel that I should be being a better daughter here, mother has saved me from an agonising reality so to repay her, I decide to humour her pride.
"Elphaba said that when you were carrying me that you were with a lot of nurses." I mention tactfully "would you tell me about it?"
I ask because I'm morbidly curious though I know I'm only going to upset myself and I ask because it was the only time mother was with me as a child, even if I wasn't born yet.

"Your father was hardly around much when I was carrying your sister because of all his Governor duty's and so he felt rather guilty when it came to you, I was unwell from about three weeks into the pregnancy..." mother begins, she's doing these unusual narration hand gestures that are making this story all the more interesting, "what started as just general pregnancy fatigue quickly grew into immense nausea, I would have terrible morning sickness, far worse than any of my friends had suffered from. Then came the pain, horrible tightening pain in my chest and my stomach and soon I couldn't be on my feet for much longer than about five minutes before I'd collapse to the ground and a swam of house staff would find me unconscious on the floor of my room and would have to scoop me back into bed. Frexpar was so very concerned and feared for my life greatly, making me chew that milk flower more and more each day, of course he didn't know then that it was the milk flower that was causing me the issues. Nevertheless, your father did absolutely everything he could, we had a live-in-nurse, who's name I belive was Polly, for a while and I had several house staff who were there to cater to my every whim so I needn't leave my bed for too long."
I nod along to mother story, it's like a great tragedy as I know how it's going to end, but I can't help but feel strangely connected to my mother in that Frex smothered the both of us with doctors as physicians.

"Towards the end of the pregnancy, I was hardly awake at all, I spent my days sleeping and crying and worrying about the baby and about how I was hardly their for little Elphaba anymore and then one day, only seven months into the pregnancy, I went into labour." Mother swallows hard before telling the rest of the story, the ending that I know far too well "my body just wasn't strong enough to keep the both of us alive, and I'm so glad it chose you Nessarose."
Mothers eyes are wide and loving but I can't help but be filled with anger, if Elphaba and I had our mother growing up, then things would have been so much different.
"Frexpar shouldn't have let you chew that milk flower, doing that was careless!" I cry, but mother shakes her head and places her hands upon mine, I'm relived to hardly feel any pain at all.
"Your father had no idea that the milk flower would do that to the both of us Nessarose, and I'm sure he was racked with guilt his whole life because of it." Mother remakes, jumping to Frexpar's defence, ironically it's usually me who's quick to defend my father from Elphaba's cut-throat words.
"We grew up without you." I whisper sadly.
"I know, and that's what pains me most of all." Mother replies, a tear rolling down her face, leaving behind a river of sadness, "I was just so tired after delivering you, my sweet Nessarose, that I gave up trying to live and just tried to sleep." Mother swallows hard "and I'm sorry that I did."

I think deeply for a while, imagining what my life would have been like if my mother had survived my birth.
I'm sure I would have still been Fathers favourite but mother would have given Elphaba the love that she so desperately needed, and mother would have taken care of me so Elphaba didn't have to do it all the time, and because I would have been fine then Elphabas powers would never have developed and we could have lived as normally as possible.
We would have been far happier than we actually were, from what I was told from the house staff, mother was the big, bright light in Fathers somewhat dark demeanour, when mother died father replaced the light of mother with me but I was only litter and couldn't shine anywhere near as bright.
If mother was there when I was a child she would have dressed me and brushed my hair and Elphaba would only have had to do those things if she wanted to.
Taking care of me would have seemed like a choice rather than a chore and she would have had so much more time for herself and because mother wouldn't have died she would have been there to calm fathers nerves about me dying so he wouldn't have been so protective and I would have learned things a lot faster.
Mother would have been there whilst I was sick and Elphaba at school and father at his meetings.

"Mother we would have had a wonderful life with you." I mumble, mother strokes the side of my hands with her thumb and I smile lovingly toward her.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there Nessarose." Mother whispers "Once you get back from getting your signatures, I'll never leave you again."