confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

Mother stares at me horrified.
I immediately regret my words.
"Oh Nessarose please tell me it's not true, tell me that Frex cared for you both!" She cries.
I nod my head shamefully, mother drops to my feet.
"Father suffocated me with enough love for the both of us," I sigh, taking in far too little air for what I want to say "poor Elphaba never got any kind of praise of affection from him."
Mother looks around her helplessly, she scans my face for an untrue answer, one that paints Frexpar in a far more loving light.
"I mean." Mother stutters "I always knew that Frex disliked Elphaba but I thought that would change when you were born, I thought..."
Mother speech slows to a halt.
Her face droops and tears roll down her cheeks, the only way to possible describe it would be as if all the colour left from her face.

"Mother." I mutter, I pause briefly, she glances up at me anticipating what I have to say, "don't blame yourself."
She shakes her head sadly.
"It's been so long." She whispers "I don't remember the sound of his voice, perhaps it's for the better that I don't."
Mother sits upright, a moment of silence passes quickly, she makes a subtle humming sound and I glance around the room.
Everything is terribly cold.
The students come back in two days time so I've gotten everything prepared for their return.
"Nessa, was he good to you?"
"He tried" I say bluntly "but I never learnt how to fail."

An hour has passed since our discussion about Frexpar, I've started to feel a headache coming on, I've not had one of those in a while, it's so quiet in here.
Mother hasn't said a word, she's sat poised on the sofa, perhaps waiting for me to say something.
I sneeze.
Loudly and painfully, the drums in my head begin to crash around and mother looks over to me anxiously, I sneeze again and clasp a hand over my face.
I pull out my silk handkerchief from within my pocket and press it to my face.
My winter cold is here.
Great.
I sneeze once more and all of a sudden begin to shiver, an icy cold fills my bones and rattles them terribly as I chatter my teeth to their gums.
Mother leans toward me, she's hovering just above the sofa, almost standing.
"Nessa darling, are you sick?"
I shake my head but am immediately proved wrong by another thunderous sneeze.

Mother jumps from her seat and stands beside me, she places a hand to my head and quickly pulls it away.
"Nessarose your burning up!" She exclaims.
I slump in my chair, leaning against the soft cushioning.
"That can't be," I protest "I'm freezing!"
Another sneeze.
Mother rushes over to my arm chair and removes the blanket off of it.
She gently wraps it around me and I nestle inside of it.
Mother stands attentively beside me and gently places a hand on my shoulder, she sighs lovingly.
"Every year," I scowl through chattering teeth.
I slowly put my handkerchief back into my pocket and cling tightly to the blanket, I slowly begin to pull it over my head in till I look like a cold, old woman.
"Nessa do you want me to contact your sister?"
I shake my head, refusing to make eye contact with my mother, feeling that I'm too feeble to.
I hate getting sick, all the symptoms come at once and I feel terrible, I never seem to pass it on to anyone, I just say feeling rough and lonely.
"She can't come yet, I've got to work in two days, she'll stop me."
"Because she cares."
"Because she's too much." I says harshly, I sit up straighter and reposition my blanket, Still over my head but far more comfortable.
"Sorry." I mumble "that was rude."
Mother steps away from me momentarily and looks around the room, I'm worried that I've offended her by being so hesitant.
"Is there any medication that you can take?" She asks curiously, her eyes scanning the room.
I shake my head solemnly,
"I can't take medication, that's what's made me sick in the first place."
Mother looks confused and sits down on the sofa in front of me.
I remain shivering but I retell the story of my childhood so that she understands.

After I've finished mother looks tearful again,
"I can't believe I let Frex do that to you."
"It wasn't his fault." I whisper genuinely "he was desperate to help me and that's what the doctor suggested."
One of the few things that I don't blame my Father for, he was just confused and wanted to help me.
Mother nods but I can see her silently seething.
"When Elphaba comes later to put me to bed can we not tell her I'm sick, at least not untill after the school term starts."
Mother looks doubtful of the idea but she nods regardless.
"Nessa if there's something that you can't tell her, you can always tell me." Mother says suddenly.
"I know..."
But I don't know, I don't feel as though I should tell anyone everything, I'm as solitary as my disability allows me to be.
Though I'm not bothered by it, I'm as independent as I'm ever going to be and I'm okay with that.
As much complaining and hating and doubting that I do, I love my position.
I get to help people, and in doing so, I help me.
Yes,
Perhaps not telling everyone everything is a good idea, it allows me to decide what I can deal with on my own and what I need help with.
Like any other person, it's almost calming to think of that.
Well it would be calming if I wasn't absolutely freezing.
I still feel rotten, it's only been about a half hour but I'm already begging to wish I was asleep.
I want Elphaba to come so I can go to bed and wake up, hopefully feeling a lot better.