confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

I'm in Munchkin Manor.
Elphaba put me on the sofa, I'm assuming it's so she knows where I am.
I'm holding a pillow tight to my chest, it's strangely comforting.
I feel so ashamed, Elphaba had to tell Boc and Fiyero about what I did.
I've never been more mortified, I'd give anything for a Glinda hug, she just makes you feel safe, but she's off being great in the emerald city.
Fiyeros in the kitchen, cooking something that smells rather pleasant, periodically he'll call over to me and make a comical remark about how the cooking is going.
I've upset Boc, undoubtedly I've upset Boc, that's why I kept all of this a secret.
I've upset my sister to no end but she's used to it now, I seem to trail sorrow around like a slug leaving it's slime.

Elphaba marches into the lounge she sits down beside me.
I don't move, my eyes are fixated on this pillow, the way that my fingers are wrapped around it like a vultures talons encapsulating it's prey.
"Nessa how are you..."
"Is Boc okay?" I cut my sister off in the most lifeless monotone voice but underneath all of that in genuine concern and fear.
"I'm unsure." Elphaba reply's hesitantly "he said he wanted to be alone for a while."
Oh goodness, I can't loose Boc, I tried the spells because I believed they would make me more tolerable and they did, for a short while.
"I'm so sorry." I whisper in a small hurt voice.
I cling tighter to the pillow, I want to scream, the worst part is that the absence of the spells are hitting me slowly, soon all the emotions that I'm afraid to feel will come back.
I already feel awful.

"How's dinner coming along?" Elphaba calls towards the kitchen Fiyero turns to us and puts his thumb up.
"Nessa are you wanting potatoes?" Fiyero asks.
I think, it's a simple question, why do I have to think so hard.
Elphaba puts her hand on my shoulder.
"Yes." I blurt our suddenly "yes please."
Just outside the room, in the hallway, I hear the sound of the front door opening.
"Uh oh." Fiyero suddenly mumbles.
Elphaba looks over at him.
The loud cheerful voices of Albert and my mother can be heard chorusing in the hallway.
"Fiyero did you invite my parents?" Elphaba hisses.
I grapple onto the pillow tighter, unsure of how to process all of this.
"I saw them when I was at the shops, I had no idea about..." he stops, he can see the lifeless look in my eyes.
I feel numb and exposed all at the same time.

Elphie touches me gently on the shoulder and gets up off the sofa, she ventures out into the hallway, the muffled sounds of talking can be heard.
I'm sure she's filling them in on all my stupidity.
The lounge door opens again and Albert, Elphaba and our mother walk in glumly.
Albert goes over to aid Fiyero in cooking, and my mother paces oboist manically.
I can tell she wants to say something to me.
Once again, Elphaba sits down beside me, she pries one of my hands away from the cushion and holds it tightly.
I'm excruciatingly dizzy, it seems every week I have something wrong with me.
Perhaps it's a sign.
"Elphie," I croak at last, "can you put me back into my chair?"
Elphaba seems hesitant at first but obliges.
I look at everyone in the room and force a smile.
"I think I'll go into the hallway for a bit of air." I say briskly, pushing myself out of the room.

To my surprise, I nearly crash into Boc, who is just about the enter the lounge.
We both stop and avoid eye contact.
"I was just coming to talk to you." Boc mumbles.
I smile weakly.
"I had to escape, Elphabas parents are here."
Boc smiles too at the awkwardness of my sentence.
"I'm not angry," he says suddenly, kneeling down in front of me, "I could never be angry at you, I'm just confused. Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell me?"
I lower my head in shame.
"I wanted to feel normal. No that's a lie, I wanted to feel nothing, I was so tired of exhausting emotions taking over me, I wanted to be in control." I pause, breathing heavily "I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to be seen as weak."
"I don't see you as..."
"Yes you do." I cut him off angrily "everyone does."
I gesture wildly to my wheelchair, Boc begins to cry and soon enough, I've joined him.
"People see this and they consider me frail or fragile, it means nothing, sure I need a bit of help doing certain things but who doesn't? But the point is that people look at me and automatically begin to throw unwanted pity at me, how could I tell people that I felt miserable?"
Boc pauses, I break down into loud painful sobs.
Boc leans forward and hugs me.
I don't think we've ever hugged before, at least I can't remember.
"I love you Nessarose, always." He whispers.
I love him too.
The spells worn off, I'm feeling every ounce of love and I don't want too.
"Boc you can't." I say tearfully, he let's go of me and moves back "the last time I fell in love I lost control, I can't do that again, I can't hurt you again."
Boc shakes his head.
"Nessa say it back to me, please."
"Boc..."
"Nessa!" He shouts suddenly "I only want to hear it once, I know it's hard and I understand, Nessa I'll never love anybody else."

My heart is racing, my head is pounding.
It feels as though my heart would break free from my chest at any moment.
I'm terrified.
"Nessa?" Boc calls, I can't hear him "Nessa are you all right?"
My eyelids feel heavy, they jolt shut and I can't feel my surroundings anymore, I feel oh so tired.
Too tired.