confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

I really don't need a moment alone and I'm glad that my sister refused, to tell the truth I'm all flustered, I've forgotten the time completely and now I'm dreading Boc's return.
I'm not sure I'm ready to fall prey to my feelings.
I'm scared.
"Sister," I call, refusing to turn to look at her "I fear I'm making a mistake, what if Boc feels obligated to return the feelings? What if they are empty words again?"

I've been down this road before, has myself convinced that Boc had feelings for me and that he was slowing being repelled because of my frail appearance.
I just want life to be okay, I still think returning to Oz was a bad idea, the only good thing to come from it was putting Boc's curse right, that's my only positive and seeing Glinda.
I would add my mother and Albert to that list but if I'm being honest I don't consider Albert a friend at the moment and my mother seems to side with him so I can't even voice my feelings anymore and I hate it, I don't care that she's my mother, she doesn't know me.
I do feel terrible that I haven't made more of an effort with my mother because it's not her fault that she doesn't know me, I've done what I always do and haven't let her in my head or in my thoughts because I'm much too scared of what she'll think of me.
I already think that I'm just an inconvenience to my family, I'm so down on the dumps all the time and it's exhausting but I can't seem to control it.

"Ness," Elphaba whispers.
I turn myself to face her, hoping that she will hold me tightly in her arms as if we were children again.
"Ness I was going to say that-"
A knock at my door interrupts my sister as I venture into my office to see who's there.
A very distressed looking Glinda is stood smoothing her hair in the middle of my office.
Glindas wearing a beautiful yellow dress with a matching beret, she looks stunning as always.
She looks me up and down.
"You look delightful Nessarose." She smiles, I blush "have you spoken to Boc yet?"
I shake my head and return to my bedroom one again where my sister is waiting for me, Glinda follows behind.
I begin to panic once more, horrible memories of Bocs death rattle around me brain.
"If your here to watch the confession then your terribly early Glin" my sister says, Glinda responds in a perky tone but I can't quite focus on the words she's saying.
I'm too busy remembering Boc telling me that he loved Glinda and not me.

Everyone loves Glinda, she's beautiful, petite and so sociable.
The fact that she's from the uplands and has the upland name helps her cause too, everyone from the upper uplands are horribly wealthy, the poorest people there are probably as rich as the governor of munchkin land would be and we were very wealthy compared to the other munchkins.
It only makes me think how vastly different her childhood was to mine and Elphabas.
Boc isn't deserving of someone like me, he needs someone funny and pretty and someone who can dance with him because I know he loves to dance but he just won't say it around me.
I don't need people to tiptoe around me, I'm an adult I'm not some dumb teenager anymore.
I sometimes forget that I was only eighteen when I died, still a girl, barely a person.
Father died when I was seventeen, time escapes me.
Love escapes me, my head is pounding and I'm terribly worried about Boc coming back now.
It's starting to show on my face, as I stare into my reflection, my rosy lips that I thought looked sweet now seem to flush all colour away from my cheeks.
In fact I look quite ill, thinking about it, I feel quite ill.
I can't breathe at the right moments and my hands seem to be shaking at an alarming rate, how did I not notice that?
I hear Glinda and Elphaba say something to each other but once again I can't make out what they are saying.

I feel quite out of breath but I continue to try and focus my vision on the mirror before me, I didn't notice how hard it was to focus my eyes on one thing, they keep wanting to close and blink rapidly, Boc won't like seeing me like this.
"Nessa?"
I finally make out a word,
"Nessa are you alright, you look terribly pale." Glinda cries.
I open my mouth to respond but no sound comes out, I can't take any air in from my open mouth and soon another reflection joins mine in the mirror.
Tall, Cloaked, towering, it's my sister.
The mirror seems to warp and change shape before my eyes as my breathing quickens, my hands continue to shake as my sister crouches down beside me.
If Boc comes back now I don't know what I'll do with myself, I'm not even sure of what the time is.

Another image is shown in the mirror, a flowing yellow dress with a matching yellow beret.
Glinda, she looks so sweet, she always looks so sweet and I don't.
"Nessa why are you shaking so-"
It's too much.
The noise,
   The mirror,
        My face,
                   Me.
It's all me and I hate it so much.
So very very-

I feel myself slump out of my chair, quickly I realise what's happening as my fave rushes to meet with the ground and all I can see is a rapid darkness.