confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

What has just occurred in this horrifically gold and green bathroom has been a terrifying combination of vomiting and sobbing.
Even now, as I cling to the golden toilet bowl I still continue to sob.
Boc is sat beside me, a hand around my shoulders, stopping me from falling sideways onto the hard floor.
I suddenly have the urge to be sick again and I do just that, my throat burns and I sob more viciously than ever.
Boc rubs my back with his free hand, as if that's going to help to alleviate some of the nausea I'm feeling.

Boc leans back suddenly and I let out a loud gasp as he pulls my back onto his chest so that I'm leaned against him as he's leaned against the wall, rested between his legs.
I'm not sure how he knows if I'm going to be sick again or not.
He clings to me tightly and I continue to cry.
"Nessa." He whispers, "Nessarose it's alright."
But I can't stop, I feel so truly terrible.
What have I done?
Who am I now?
"Nessa please, please don't cry." Boc pleads with me, he places a comforting hand on the side of my face, "oh Nessa your so cold!" He gasps.
At this, I suddenly am able to stifle my tears as I try to compose myself.
I am saint Nessarose after all:
Saint Nessarose,
  Eminence of Oz,
     Oz's greatest idiot.

"Your so cold." Boc emphasises, wrapping his arms around me.
At that moment, Glinda rushes in.
"Nessarose your sister's a mess can you please tell her that-"
"Nessa isn't doing particularly well either Glinda." Boc snaps, cutting her off like a split end.
Glinda gasps at the sight of me on the floor and the potentially ghastly sight of the toilet bowl.
"Nessa?" She asks shakily. "Can I get you something?"
I attempt to shake my head but Boc answers for me.
"Can you bring her a blanket?" He phrases it like a question but it's very much a command.
Glinda disappears and comes back with my black blanket that my sister packed for me, she lays it over me and I breathe deeply.
"Are you able to come and sort your sister out?" Glinda asks nervously, Boc once again jumps to my defence.
"Glinda." He snaps "let her breathe."
Glinda states at the two of us for a moment before she disappears out of the bathroom.

Boc looks down at me with gentle eyes and a caring smile.
She sighs softly, his hands remaining firmly on my back.
"We don't have to do anything until you're ready."
Though if I followed that then I'd never get up, I'm just far too scared for what's next.
I hold my breath for a few seconds and look at my chair.
"Okay I'm ready." I croak, it's the first thing I've said since 'I think I'm going to be sick' and it's somehow not the regal words I thought I'd be saying.
Boc waits a few more seconds before lifting me up off of three floor and into my chair, he tactfully wraps the blanket around me and pats me strangely on the shoulder.
I go to seize hold of my wheels but Boc seems to stop me.
"Nessa." He mumbles inexplicably.
Instead of allowing me to take control myself, Boc pushes be back into the bedroom, where I find Glinda and Elphaba sat on the edge of the bed.
Glinda is brimming strangely and my sister looks horrendously anxious, though her entire demeanour seems to improve when she sees me.
"Ness!" She splutters, she practically throws herself into my arms until Boc stops her by raising his hand like a soldier.
I scowl at this, unsure of what exactly he's doing.

Elphaba sighs sadly and upon being stopped before hugging me sits down back on the edge of the bed.
I look up above the bed to notice that the clock has changed position from the last time I was here, it's still as shiny as ever.
I'll give myself ten more minutes and then I'll go out and put on a show for everyone.
"How do I look?" I ask Boc uneasily, knowing that my eyes must be red from the crying and my face must be pale from the vomiting.
Boc doesn't answer at first, he waits, hesitant to respond.
"Nessa..." he mumbles unhelpfully.
"How do I look?" I ask again, far more firm this time.
Still, no answer.
I place my hand up onto my head and feel my hair, good, it's still in place.
I lift the blanket from my legs and drop it triumphantly onto the floor.
I smooth my dress out and clear my throat, I then take another nervous glance at the time.
Five more minutes.

"Nessa." My sister whispers suddenly.
It's the first real thing anyone has said in a while so I delightedly look up at her.
"Yes Elphie?" I ask enthusiastically.
"You look wonderful." She replies smiling.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders when she says that, the whole room seems to breathe together and ease a little bit.
"I'm going to have to speak with Franklin soon." I say into this void of a room.
My sister glances vaguely at me.
"Do you need me to come with you?" She asks desperately.

I toy with this for a while, pleading with myself to let her come and to force her to stay as my first act of independence.
"If it would bring you comfort then your welcome to accompany me." I answer regally, to tell the truth, I'm doing this more for her benefit than for mine.
Elphaba seems content with this.
I'm slightly overwhelmed, actually, slightly is an understatement.
I'm horrifically overwhelmed but I can't let it phase me any more than it already has, I have a job now.
A bigger job than I've ever had before.
I have to be Saint Nessarose.