confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

"So you really don't remember Alfie Donell?"
I shake my head, Thomas looks terribly disappointed, I'm not even sure how we got on to the subject of my previous classmates but here we are.
"Or Sarah Mallon?" He pauses "not even Lana Blaxcille, she was so bossy and she used to always..."
"I really don't remember any of these people." I cut Thomas off abruptly. "Sorry."
"It's nothing to worry about" he says kindly "I mean you weren't really at the school for long so I wasn't expecting you to remember much of it."
I shrug my shoulders and peer down at the essay in front of me, Mr Hedgals classes have written large essays for their finally exam and I have to look through the particularly exemplary ones to decide who gains a literature distinction.
It's a hard enough job on its own, it's twice as challenging when Professor Herdidge is constantly nattering to me.

"I always wished I was Alfie." Thomas sighs, realising I'm not going to get my work done whilst he's here, I turn to him.
"And why's that?" I query.
"Our entire class used to compete for you to talk to us." Thomas begins, "though you rarely payed any attention to anyone in particular."
I sort of recall what he's talking about, people used to follow me around endlessly, I found it unnerving rather than flattering, everyone seemed to be watching me at all times and I was so scared to make any mistakes.
"I'm sure half of the people in our class were in awe that we had the governors daughter in our school, they were spellbound."
"Isn't this story about that Alfie boy?" I ask impatiently, longing to finish my work.
"I'm getting there!" Thomas chuckles.
I smile stubbornly at him, he's doing the one thing I didn't want him to, get personal matters in the way of work.
"Anyway." He continues "you never really spoke to anyone in particular, the teacher would chat away to you but you'd only answer with simple words. Your sister would always follow you about, half of us were terrified of her and the other half were too busy trying to work out what questions we'd already asked you and the ones that we desperately needed answers too." Thomas's story is getting further and further away from Alfie "after all we were so curious as to what life was like in Munchkin Manor."

I clear my throat.
"And Alfie?" I ask impatiently.
Thomas nods exitedly,
"Yes, Alfie. Well you never really had any long conversations with anyone until one day Alfie Donell made a paper bird, a stupid paper bird was all it took for him to  earn a conversation with you."
I don't remember this interaction at all.
"Alfie Donell spoke to you all day, your sister hated him, he walked with you to each of yo it classes and your sister glared at him so angrily, I completely agreed with her. You loved his paper birds, he made you several and helped you make your own." Thomas pauses, his tone of voice is unusually angry "I was so envious."
"I... I don't understand why?" I ask dumbly.
Thomas smiles to himself and puts a hand upon one of mine that I have been eating upon my desk, his touch startles me at first but I don't pull away.
"Because all those other kids just wanted to talk to you because they were curious. I wanted to be your friend because you seemed nice and genuine and smart and funny and stupid Alfie and his stupid paper birds got you to talk to him and... and I couldn't even figure out how to make one! I ran home that day I tore my notebook to shreds trying to learn how to make one so I could give it to you and I never could." Thomas pauses again, "I stayed up for hours, when I woke up the next morning I had the flu and didn't go to school for a week, when I came back you weren't there anymore and the teachers wouldn't tell me where you'd gone. I still saw you out with your family but I was far go scared to talk to you. Your sister wouldn't tell me where you were either. It was like I left for two minutes and all of a sudden everything I wanted had gone, you'd gone!" Thomas cries.
I take a deep breathe.

"I'm here now."
Thomas nods gently, he curls his fingers around my hand and I feel my heart beat skyrocket, I'm so scared yet excited at the same time.
Our fingers interlock and he stares deeply into my eyes.
"You've always been so beautiful Nessarose." Thomas whispers.
Time seems to slow down as Herdidge's words reverberate around my head.
"You've always been so fascinating." He mutters softly.
He smiles at me again but this time I feel nothing, because this isn't what I want.
I don't want Thomas, I don't care that he's known me or that he was desperate to know me.
I'm not thinking about him, I'm thinking about Boc and how I wish it was his hand I was holding.
"Thomas." I whisper "you need to leave."
Almost instantaneously, Thomas lets go of my hands.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no. You just have to leave, I can't do this, I won't let myself do this."
Tears cascade down my face, leaving lines down my cheeks, like little rivers of sorrow.
Thomas makes an attempt to hold my hands again but I hurriedly pull them back, he takes a step towards me and I abruptly push myself backwards.
"Please just leave!" I cry "I'm so sorry, you have to go."
Thomas nods sadly and exits the room, I'm left on my own.
The way I should be, alone.
I want Boc, I want to hold Bocs hands and shout at the top of my lungs that I'm sorry and that I should have admitted that I loved him as soon as he said it to me.
But I didn't and I fear that it's too late for us.