confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Elphie

I can't stop yelling despite wanting to.
I'm riddled with jealousy for this kind old lady who's doing incredible things for my sister.
I'm practically green with envy.
All my life I've had my confidence knocked, I was never the beautiful one or the favourite child and I was never the daughter that the houseguests wanted to see.
Father never balanced me on us knee and told his friends how bright my future would be.
But I was confident in one aspect; I could take care of my sister and I could do it well.

"Nessa!" I cry, staring at my sisters blank face "Nessa are you even listening to me?"
Marigold leans forward, towards my sister and attempts to put an arm on her shoulder but my sister swats her away like a fly.
"Miss Nessarose?" Marigold shudders.
I'm abruptly riddled with guilt but I cannot stop my jealousy.
"Nessa you can't just bat marigold away and make it all better-"
"For Oz's sake Elphaba!" Nessa cries, suddenly flying into a rage with me, I immediately back down and take a step back. "I need this to all be perfect! I have to be perfect now and I'm not and you're not helping. I can't deal with this and the entire of Oz!"
Nessas emotions fly out and everyone is pushed back away from her bed.
My feet remain firmly on the ground and mother tips in her chair.
I'm doing the one thing Doctor Tip told us not to do; I'm upsetting my sister.
"Ness calm down," I whisper helplessly, concerned of what might happen if I continue to let her get this upset.

Nessa's eyes pierce through me, I sense that I may have not made the wisest word choice.
"You are such a hypocrite!" My sister snaps, pointing an angry finger at me "first you yell and accuse me of favouritism and then you have the audacity to tell me to calm down."
Mother takes a hesitant step towards my sister, smiling feebly at her.
"Nessarose dear, I'm sorry I've caused such a fuss."
"Mother please stop talking." Nessa snaps.
Our mother sinks back down into her chair and cowers away from Nessa, I look down at mothers pitiful face and I'm suddenly filled with rage.
"Just because your queen of Oz now doesn't mean you get to speak to your mother like that Nessa!" I cry.
Nessa straitens her posture like a snake and takes a deep breath before exploding with emotion.
"You think I want this?" She cries, she room beginning to shake with her rage, "you think I'd ever, ever ask to be in this position? I never asked to be as important as I was, I didn't want to be watched and stared at and pressured into making something of myself!"
Nessas eyes are pouring with tears, she looks miserable.

"I'm sorry if you think i don't care about you, I really am, but the fact of the matter is; I'm just so tired. I'm exhausted Elphaba; it's like there's this constant crying in my ears and no matter what I can't make it go away!"
"So what?" I explode "you made me go away instead, that hardly seems fair."
Nessarose shakes her head and scrubs viciously at her eyes with one of her hands.
"It's not like that Elphaba, you're twisting my words!"
Mother turns to me suddenly, she shakes her head hurriedly.
"Elphaba dear, stop all this shouting." She whispers.
The whole atmosphere of this room is vial, no one can seem to speak without screaming their words.
"Elphaba I can't do this anymore." My sister sighs suddenly "this circle, this horrible, monotonous circle, it's driving me mad."
"What in Oz are you talking about?" I question rudely.
"I gain what little independence my body allows me to have and you become riddled with jealousy that I might not need you all the time and then I get sick and you claw your way back into my life and the circle continues. I'm tired of this!" Nessa shrieks.

She's right.
Nessarose is almost completely right but she's wrong about one thing; she will never not need me.
She's independent, yes, but her health will never let her be without me.
"It's not my fault that you're sick Nessarose!" I bark tearfully, but I will not cry. "It might well be my fault that you can't move your legs but the way the doctors treated you was not my fault so don't even try to-"
I stop myself suddenly, the way I have just spoken to my sister sends a shiver down my spine.
I'm a vile person.
"Nessa I-"
"Get out." She barks angrily.
Marigold leans closer and smiles kindly.
"Madame I don't think miss Elphaba knew what she was saying." Marigold witters in an attempt to defend me, but I don't deserve to be defended.
"Marigold I did not ask you for your opinion!" Nessa screams, she lifts both her arms up and suddenly slips backwards on her bed, not having any support holding her up.
Marigold moves quickly, catching my sister before she hits the matters.
"Ness I-" i begin, as marigold carefully lowers her down upon the mattress.
"Elphaba just go." My sister mumbles defeatedly, "and take mother back home with you."

I do as my sister asks and much to my mothers dismay, take her out into the hallway, where Glinda and Boc are sat together.
Boc look at me furiously.
"How are you feeling?" I ask him nervously.
"Elphaba what are you doing?" Boc asks frantically "Doctor Tip tells you to keep her calm and you go and start a screaming match with her."
I shake my head and wrap an arm protectively around my mother.
"Why, why did you do that?" Boc questions angrily.
He seems to be much better than he was, he also seems to have regained his dislike for me.
I don't blame him.
I don't like me right now either.