confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

A strange chill hangs about the room though Boc claims that he's not felt it, I've wrapped a blanket around myself to try and seise the shivering but it doesn't seem to have stopped it.
I'm sure that I've left a window open in my bedroom because this sort of nipping cold just isn't the regular, old building type of cold but Boc is convinced that there isn't an open window in my dorm.
Despite my best efforts to conceal my trembling arms, I'm sure Boc has noticed them because he's been looking at me strangely for the past hour or so.
I'm ever so thirsty but I'm terrified that my hands will shake the glass so violently that I'll douse myself with water.

"Boc are you sure I've shut all the windows?" I ask hoarsely, I'm slightly startled by the painful sound in my throat that I force myself to cough to clear it.
Box stands up without taking his eyes off of me, it's stopped being sweet and now just feels mildly unnerving.
"I'm sure you have Nessa."
"Would you just check again?" I beg.
Boc smiles and walks off into my lounge.
"Nothing open in here." He calls.
I watch him saunter past into my bedroom and reappear moments later.
He shrugs and sits back down in front of me.
"Not in there either my love, are you sure that your feeling okay?"
"I'm absolutely fine" I reply defensively, pulling my blanket around myself tighter "there must be a draft, that's all."
Boc nods but seems unconvinced.
I rest my head in my hands and continue to sustain eye contact with Boc.
He smiles sympathetically.

"Nessa you seem quite tired," Boc comments, after a while "do you feel as though you want to lie down."
"Boc, if I had a lie down every time I felt tired I'd never get up, no. I'm fine."
Boc sighs sadly and gets up from his chair, he stared down at me solemnly.
"Nessa you look awful," he splutters "please go to bed, for your own sake."
"Boc your not being fair!" I protest.
Boc flails his arms around frustratedly.
"How? How am I not being fair? Nessa you have to start helping yourself when you feel awful."
Bocs eyes go all red and watery, I watch him fight the urge to cry.
"People feel awful all the time it's not a big deal."
"No Nessa no they don't, it's just that you've felt like this for so long that you've just accepted it as normal because you don't want to face the fact that it's not!" Boc shouts.
I start to cry, Bocs anger suddenly fades away as he crouches down to my level.
"Nessa I didn't mean to shout, I'm just so so worried and..."
"Boc I'm fine I promise," I lie, carefully i lift my head up and try to ignore the pounding headache that I've been enduring.
"Nessa I can't do this,!" Boc cries "I can't watch you kill yourself like this."
Without a second thought I bellow my response.
"Then leave Boc. Go home. Do whatever you want, I don't care but I'm fine and I can't deal with your constant suffocation, just get out!"
Boc takes a step back.
I wheeze for a few minutes, struggling to regain my breath.
Bocs eyes drip with tears as he struggles not to make a sound, he steps towards the door and turns to watch me continue to struggle catching my breath.
"Be safe Nessarose, I love you" he mutters as he leaves the room.

I let out the loudest, most painful cry shay I've ever let out.
I didn't want to pressure Boc to leave, I just got so scared and I know that I'm not okay, I'm well aware of it but I just don't want to admit it to anyone.
The longer I keep pretending, the sooner someone might believe me that I'm completely fine.
I really want my sister, she's always known how to take care of me and I haven't thanked her enough for what she's done for me, what she continues to do for me.
I need her with me.
Still in foolish denial that I'm even the slightest bit unwell, I push myself towards my bedroom, hoping that I'll find something to take my mind of off how weak I feel, I lean forward to try and get a better push but I feel my hands slip and a terrifying rush of air swoops past me and before I can register what's happening, my face hits the hard wooden floor with a loud smack.
After a few seconds of lying on the floor, I unscramble my thoughts but I can only think of one thing: I feel awful. Not only is my headache imitating a large brass band but now my cheek stings, my whole body aches and now I'm crumpled in a heap on the floor.
I try for a few moments to cry out for Boc but to no avail.
No ones coming to help me because I've pushed them all away.
This is exactly what I deserve for being so rotten, and no one even knows that I feel sorry.

After what seems like hours of being pressed against the floor, It starts to dawn on me that Harley hasn't arrived.
But it takes me far less time to remember why, she's on her annual leave, I forgot to tell Boc.
My head is pounding and every inch of my that I can feel is in pain, I'm longing for it to stop, I wish I had the strength to drag myself across the floor but I'm not entirely sure what good that would do me because it's not as though I could hoist myself back into my chair.
There's no way I can do what on my own.
I really am all alone, no ones coming to help me because this is what I deserve.
I'm finally truly alone.