Fallen

42.

Sleep.

I just couldn't sleep.

After five months, about twenty two weeks and an estimate of a hundred and fifty days of horror, I was only a few hours away from freedom.

It was already 2am in the morning and I couldn't catch any sleep. The thought of leaving this place was overwhelming but also a type of horror itself.

I was nervous, I was.....scared.

Maybe this hell had already become a comfort zone to me and the thought of stepping out was scary. The thought of having to face everyone out there. The thought of having to start my life afresh.

Everywhere was dark and quiet enough to hear my overlapping thoughts....and of course, different types of snores oozing from the background into my ears. They were'nt so loud, just disturbing and the fact that one of them was coming from the person sleeping above me wasn't helping matters.

Yeah. I've got a new roommates, just two days ago. It's sad the way kids keep getting detained almost everyday. This current generation is definitely something else.

The wierdest thing was that she didn't look like someone that could even hurt a fly. She looked so cute, innocent, quiet and I could tell she was introverted because I'd tried starting a conversation with her and I knew her reactions.

Atleast she was sleeping tonight because last night she was crying her eyes out. I could hear her sobbing lightly in the dark probably thinking that no one would notice...but I did...I felt bad for her.

But then that statement that says that the quiet ones are the most dangerous gave me second thoughts.

Maybe she really did something serious enough to get her locked up in here.

Or maybe she had been accused wrongly...

A typical Stella would want to have her way with her, take advantage of her, make her hate herself even more, make her fear me and show her who's boss but
I felt nothing like it.

It felt like I didn't need that anymore, if anything, it would be to actually start a kind of friendly relationship with her. It looked like she needed help.

I was once vulnerable.

I still feel vulnerable..

Outside the walls of this place, I feel like I had no friends anymore, no one that could go out for a simple lunch with me, or maybe go out for shopping or someone to talk to about random texts, movies, songs, celebrity crushes or someone that could simply sit down quietly with me even if there's really nothing to talk about.

Damn. I can't just stop thinking about how much of a mess my life had turned out to be.

*

My dad came to pick me up, it was a Friday, Ivy had an important project back at school while Mom was with Kelly because, according to dad, she wasn't feeling too well.

I went back to my cell room to change out of my jail gown to normal clothes.

It suddenly feels different in jeans. It had been long I get to wear those.

The surroundings was empty because other occupants already left for lessons.

I looked round the small empty room, it had been my abode for quite a long time now.

It was so tiny but it held so many unforgettable memories.

The bad ones; all the days I'd cried my eyes out, loss of appetite, feelings of no self worth, the loneliness, the depression, the suscide thoughts...

The good ones; meeting Roxie and all the confidence and companionship that came with her, her jokes and funny but true advice, having some one to freely share my feelings with without any fear of losing the person or the person seeing me as someone weak, vulnerable and of no social status, bonding with family, turning eighteen, getting to understand others better and controlling my feelings.

I thought I was just being myself all these while but maybe I wasn't.  I was just a girl that craved admiration, fear and attention without even knowing it. That girl that is scared of being helpless, that girl that craved power more than anything else.

More than friendship.

'...I found out that under that strong hearted girl you portray, is a very sweet caring person, possibly feeling insecure and having a kind of fear no one else can understand...'

But above all, being able to overcome the guilt that kept killing me from the inside little by little.

"Hey."

I heard someone say causing me to startle.

I thought I was alone.

I turned around immediately and saw Camie standing at the door of my cell.

"Oh...hey...hey there, I didn't know anyone was here," I almost stammered in reply.

We might be on a little talking basis but that doesn't cover up the fact that she looks intimidating.

"Yeah...just didn't feel like going for that fucked up lesson today...I mean it's Friday though, I have every right to be tired," she said and I just smiled in reply because I didn't know what to tell her, I don't even know what she's doing here.

"I'm happy for you, you're leaving today, right?"

"Yeah," I briefly replied, nodded my head in the process.

"You deserve it though....you proved to be less bitchy than I thought," she continued.

I didn't know if I should take that as a compliment or not.

"I didn't use to like you...always pictured you as an egoistic whore with no conscience."

Did she just say egoistic whore?

Me?

Maybe I had said it out loud because she let out a small chuckle.

"Sorry for my vulgar use of language...trust me, I'm working on it. Just trying to say that you proved that there's more to you than expected. You are a great person and you deserve to go out there and show the world what good of a person you could be.....well, that's what I feel," she said and I was the one that let out a genuine smile this time.

I moved closer to her and pulled her into a hug.

I couldn't imagine myself doing this in the past few months.

"Same goes to you, Camie....thanks," I said and was surprised when she hugged me back, tighter even.

"I'm gonna miss you bae," she said and we broke the hug.

"Gonna go now," I said, finally carrying my things, I waved at her and she returned it before I moved out gracefully along the hallway of cell rooms all the way to the center reception room, where my dad was waiting.

We exchanged large grins when we made eye contact with each other and I finally signed out.

It was time.