The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 31 - The Miracle

TW: Discussions of violence and abuse

Yikes, Maya has a bunch of bruises now after I went after her. She deserves it though after everything she's done for me. Well, maybe taking on violence with violence isn't exactly the answer, I might be putting myself in a worse off position if she ever takes legal action against me, but I've definitely caused her to wake up and realise just what she's been doing. My only concern right now is that she is, well, she's covered in bruises that could cause alarm for people not in this household. If I'm capable of doing that to anyone, just how far can I go with it? 

We made up though, if you know what I mean. Maya and I spent the evening just talking and watching Drag Race. There was a point in the night where I woke up in a complete panic, and she calmed me down. She has this charm that just can instantly calm me down and I don't know what it is. Maybe it's how she keeps her grip on me. 

A really important part of last night was that Maya admitted to needing help multiple times. Help with accepting what happened, help with planning her future, help with how she treats me. She has realised the constant pinching, grabbing and controlling is not normal and that if she wants to see a life with me, she has to change or get out. I want to see her change before she gets worse. I don't want her to start hurting others and landing herself in trouble. 

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I can't describe the relief of finding my mother. It's sort of liberating in a way. Having something as big as this start to come to an end can only be described as mitigating. When something like a parent being absent dominates your life, you find yourself feeling vulnerable and likely to fall into things as a way of coping. Notably I feel like I cling onto Maya so much because I've needed to fill that gap left by my mother's disappearance. Even though I have Olivia and Abuela to fill the gap, I still felt like there was a gaping hole in my life. Yeah, Maya is who I go to for "motherly advice", but it's not really sufficient is it? I think I just push all my "mommy issues" onto Maya. 

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I can't lie that I'm starting to feel stressed about the whole thing. I am dealing with what could become an international affair trying to meet people. That could be part of my 2020 plans - meeting my family, getting my start in the mainstream media, playing gigs. Hell, even My Chemical Romance might come back - I doubt that though. This idea of me meeting my mother, someone who I have no memories of, is definitely daunting. What I know of her might not be who she really is. Will she accept me for who I am? I'm a queer person who is very open about being queer and embraces it as part of their identity. It'll be soul crushing if she doesn't accept me. 

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In my traditional way, I wrote a song while trying to process the events taking over my life. I could get myself another number one this way, although that is never my main goal. My attachment to Maya coupled with the feelings of abandonment from my mother has created an emotional void that completely wipes my mind and sends me into an uncontrollable meltdown, resulting in others being hurt. It hurts me to hurt others. My motivation in life is to make other people's lives better. I use my music as a platform to try and make the world a better place, but I can't do that until I work to improve myself. I need to change before it's too late. 

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I have made the decision to reply to the messages and ask as many questions as I can. That's all I can really do right now. I just can't believe I have 2 younger siblings. The idea that I'm not the youngest child is mind boggling. Me? Having responsibility for younger siblings? Shocking. Our upbringings are so drastically different. Cultural ties, how we view society and the opportunities available to us. My upbringing in Dublin and London is going to shine through compared to their upbringing in Luanda. I'm not educated enough on life in the city (and the country in general), so I better step into the gear of things and begin my research to try and form a basic knowledge for when I eventually meet them. 

I want to bring them to London to spend time with me and to meet the people who made me who I am today. Would that even be possible though? My mother probably will stop any attempt from me to meet my siblings as she will want to "protect her past". I think the only thing stopping me from diving straight in is the fear of my mother sabotaging everything. My fears shouldn't be bringing me down. I'm an emotional mess and can't think straight. My thoughts are very clearly jumbled right now. I should write stuff down more. Mapping my emotions and further explanations could set me on the road to recovery. 

While I am happy to find out the news, I can't help but feel a lingering fear grow in the back of my mind. I have a fear of the world finding out before I'm ready to tell it. I need time to personally register what's going on and what I've had to do in order to get to where I've got to. This sort of emotional toll is causing me to not be able to think properly. I want to share this news worldwide and scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't do that yet. I have to keep everything under wraps until I can tell the world. 

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After my day yesterday, I spent this morning speaking with Adam, Brian, Casey, Dan and Roger on the situation. Maya and I explained the events of what happened in as much detail as possible. We looked at different ways to approach what's going on, including setting up a plan on how to get on speaking terms with my mother, arranging travel for her and my siblings, expanding my knowledge on the incredible country my siblings have grown up in, and so many other areas that need to be looked at before this lifelong story comes to an end. 

Today, all seven of us are hanging out in Brian's house playing music, sharing our ideas, talking about life and planning everything we'll do over the weekend. Maya and I are going volunteering as normal on Sunday morning, but will spend the afternoon hanging out again. One of our plans for Saturday will be to work on another video during the afternoon and go live on YouTube in the evening. Adam and I also agreed to do the Cher cover we promised months back on another livestream so that should be fun to do. 

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Today is the day I change my life for good.