The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 21 - Live Outside

Here I am, sitting in the living room, all by myself. No one else is home. I have the entire house to myself, yet barely anything to do. I could, theoretically, cause absolute chaos, however I don't have that sort of evil possessing me right now. I haven't got any college for a month, so I'm going to be used to this strange loneliness. There's nobody here to stop me from doing what I want to do. Nobody's able to tell me to turn Island in the Sun by Weezer off because I've played it for the 178th time in a row. I could just easily smash a window right now, but I wouldn't do that. There's no real need for such destruction. Those windows are too strong. Besides, I'm not paying repair costs. My ad revenue recently hasn't been too good, so I'm down on earnings the past 2 or so months, and I don't want to be spending money I don't really have on costs that could have otherwise been avoided.

You know, having all of this free time and personal space is giving me that break from Maya I've so desperately needed for so long. That girl really doesn't leave me alone. Not a day goes past where she's not grabbing me, talking me down, bossing me around and/or causing me to cry. I've noticed in the past that she can get bad when something happened with her parents and she was dragged down by them. She'd take that and just mirror their actions. It's as if I'm just her punching bag or stress ball. Maya's definitely clawed me a few times when stressed. I mean, I used to and still probably will bite people when I'm stressed or irritated, so that I can understand.

I shouldn't be fearing my own girlfriend, but here I am. I don't necessarily want her to leave, I want this version of her to leave. I want the old Maya back. The Maya who spoke to me about her issues rather than acting them out on me. Maya's well aware of what she's doing. She's either unable to acknowledge what she's doing fully, or she's aware of her actions and can't break them, even after she broke down crying. I hope there's no real bother at school, she seemed happy enough yesterday. If anything happens at school, I have a sickly feeling that the Maya that I often see will come through and ruin her chances of a happy, successful future. I don't want her reputation to suffer. Or maybe I do?

Shocking Maya out of her current ways is very likely not the solution, but every individual is different. If my dad finds out about all this, I'm sure he's going to lose his cool and order Maya out of our lives forever. Graham has a habit of cutting people out of his life (rightfully so) if they're being hostile towards any of us for any reason. He got rid of a lot of friends after they started making comments about "how I was a r*t*rd" and "how I would be better off in one of those homes" when I was still non-verbal, and would likely do everything in his power to banish Maya from our lives. I guess I'm becoming very protective over Maya here, but if she gets kicked out, she's going to be homeless.

I don't want to break up with Maya. That's not in the cards and never will be. I love Maya (even if she's more or less dragging me by my hair at every opportunity) and want the best for her. I want to make her laugh, make her smile, make her happy. She deserves a little light in her life after everything that happened recently. Being abandoned by her parents, the stress of A Levels and the pressures Marino are placing on her, her period taking a toll on her health, so much bullshit. She's fighting through this one way or another, but hiding her weaknesses because she's been taught that "being a sissy only gets you targeted" or something along those lines. She wouldn't dare drop a tear while out of the house unless she's having an allergy attack.

I still need to come up with some sort of plan for this show thing I'm now actually confirmed to be doing. Gomez had sent me an email this morning regarding it and gave me clear instructions on what I can and cannot do. Under no circumstances am I allowed to do any sort of gymnastics or stunts. I'm allocated roughly 20 minutes in the middle of the ceremony, which should give us time to perform around 4 songs. I was thinking of opening with One Vision, moving into Save Me and Don't Stop Me Now, closing with Radio Ga Ga. Now it's a case of getting Adam, Brian and Roger on board with it.

I'll need a backup plan too. If I'm unable to get the other 3 on board, I'll just get Dan and Casey, and we'll call it a Glass Onion show. If that doesn't work, I suppose I will have to perform all by myself. How can I perform by myself without any stunts? What am I meant to do, a 20 minute acoustic session? That's so not me. No Gwen Stefani numbers, no death drops, no random crowd chanting. I'll have to throw in an 80s classic to make the audience happy. Gosh this is hard. I'm considering Solaris, Running Away, Jessica and Parallel Worlds/The White One is Evil, but again, I don't even know if I want to do that.

Another thing I need to start working on is the Christmas Drive for the food bank. I'm horrified to be even saying that. The future doesn't look very bright for us - a lot more families are going to be struggling to make ends meet this holiday season. I'll likely have to work on a video appeal on behalf of everyone at the bank. We're going to have a meeting within the next 2 to 3 weeks to work on our strategy and think of what we can do do get donations and volunteers. I don't want to be spending the run up to Christmas speaking with families on what they need to keep their kids fed due to not being in school and not getting their free meal. It's a disgrace that in this country we are seeing child hunger numbers rise and not decrease, but the government doesn't really care about that and is focusing on stuff that they shouldn't be focusing on.

What am I gonna be doing for the rest of the week? Well, I have the doctor's on Friday and volunteering on Sunday, so I suppose I can just fill the rest of the time with baking, college work, writing, videos. Brian and Anita invited me out tomorrow to go out for lunch somewhere in London, most likely somewhere in Piccadilly Circus. The other days though? Nada. This is just my reality for the next month.

Fucking hell I'm going to be fucking bored as hell.

This isn't going to sound too nice, but I have a horrible feeling that my dad has a lot to do with what I'm like now. My issues began to arise after he took me out of school, not while I was in school. Going back into formal education when I was 11 after being out for 5 years was shocking, and he didn't really support me enough when adjusting to this new reality. I don't want to dwell on it, I want to not think of my dad in such a way, but I don't think there's too much harm in reviewing what happened and what way it can affect me/has affected me.

I have the rest of the day to kill. No one's really expected to be home for another 4 hours, so I might just head to the park to practice some skating. I can't be told "no" as I'm the only one here. Ignoring that god awful foot pain I've had for a week now, I don't see any harm in going for some exercise.

I guess I'll just head to the park now.