The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 59 - Back to Humans

Everything right now, to me at least, is like a huge sigh of relief. No one else is awake yet, so I have the house all to myself. Well, they'll all be asleep considering it's about... 4am? I'm very much awake and alert because I fell asleep as soon as we got back and just can't get anymore. I should probably go downstairs so to not disturb Maya (or really anyone else). I'll probably try and get myself tired enough for another few hours because I know I can't function properly if I don't have enough in me. Fuck, I'll just have a siesta later.

/

E: [turns on camera] Hello there. It is I, your worst fucking nightmare. Now, this video is a little different, mostly because I am the only one awake right now and I'm using this tiny microphone so I don't have to talk too loudly, but anyway. I'm red in the eyes because yesterday before my Halloween gig I took a bad allergic reaction, so if you are wondering, yes I do feel like shit and no I'm not doing anything about that. Not everything is glam, rock and roll in my life, actually very few elements of my life are that when I think about it.

I haven't actually decided on a title for this video yet but it will be somewhere along the lines of "Oh I have Autism and I can sometimes become so overwhelmed by things that I have meltdowns" because contrary to popular belief, I am very much on the spectrum. I was diagnosed very young, showed a "prodigy" of musical ability from a very young age, didn't actually learn how to speak until I was something stupid like 8, will flip the fuck out if something is suddenly out of the order I and the other party or parties agreed with, and I have many, delightful, sensory overloads that often turn into meltdowns.

Now these meltdowns can become quite dangerous leading to myself and/or whoever is present at the time to get injured in some way, and I just can't cope, y'know? They were much worse when I was non-verbal. Well, I wasn't "fully" non-verbal, I could say the odd words, but... I should explain how I was raised first before doing anything.

So growing up I was raised to be initially quadlingual. I would speak Spanish with my father, English with my aunt, Portuguese with my grandfather and Irish with my grandmother. Yeah my grandfather is from Argentina so you would think he'd be the one to raise me with Spanish, but he's fluent in Portuguese too and he didn't want Val and I losing the Portuguese language after my mother, who by the way is Portuguese, left to start a new family all the way in the continent of Africa. [grinds teeth] Still hurts.

I would know the word, but just not in the correct language, and that would frustrate me so much to the point I would panic, the sensory overload would kick in and suddenly I've bruised the respective adult's upper left arm so hard that they're bruised internally. I'm not making that up by the way. Where do you think I get my, at times, violent tendencies at school which ultimately led to my expulsion? [shrugs] What can I say?

Meltdowns brought on by hormones are particularly bad. I am a very late bloomer who only actually started proper puberty about a year ago, so I had some "tweenage" moments well into my teen years. Sometimes I say that Maya took my years of maturity for herself because she gets mistaken as a 25 year old a lot. Yeah this whole thing is kinda shit. I had some of it but not the rest of it and then suddenly I got it all. I don't know the full extent of what I'll get as an intersex person, but I'm kinda hoping for stubble so I can grow a beard. I don't think I'll ever get that though because it seems that I am externally female but internally male...? Didn't stop the Lambert's Apple or the voice getting deeper though.

Anyway, I can have an incredibly rough day with my hormones causing me all sorts of pains. If you get the way AFABs get breast pain around their period, I kinda compare it to that because of just how rough it can be. Cue sensory issues with my body anyway, it all calculates together. If I get as much as a paper cut I will fucking wail like I have the bubonic plague. If there is someone trying to comfort me, there is a very high chance I'll flip and end up hurting them. And to be honest, most of the time it's either my dad or Maya because they're very much present in my life. It's usually never anything bad. I say usually because there have been some incredibly bad moments when I'm with my dad. If you recall to a video from the pits of hell also known as 2017, you'll see the video I made on this with my dad as part of a community event. No one's been hospitalised because of it thankfully, but even I'm very wary of myself.