The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 34 - Her Majesty

E: Mãe, listen. You are not going to hurt my siblings because they uncovered your lies, you twat. What did you have to run from anyway? Were you scared to raise a child with special needs or something? You chose to be a mother and agreed to put your effort in but you just, you know, took yourself off and decided running to another country was the answer. Did you secretly not want to be my dad? You could've just broken up with him you know? Went your separate ways? I don't think you thought this through very well. There are millions of possible options when you feel like your relationship is cracking rather than just abandoning your family. You know, Papá would have been completely fine with raising Val and I on his own. He proved to both of us very early on that he was perfectly capable of doing so, and in fact was more than willing to do it anyway. Maybe at the end of the day you were just an egg donor?

//

E: [fast asleep]

B: [knocks door] Good morning Evin.

E: [snoring]

B: [quietly comes into room] Hey... [gently shakes] It's time to wake up.

E: [switches to other side and groans]

B: I know how you feel. You gotta get up now though.

E: [in Spanish] I'll get up when I want to, you space headed, badger petting prick.

B: [sighs] Evin. You need to stop being so nasty when talking to people. You don't realise that you're hurting people's feelings and can be making people feel very upset. I don't know what you said, but your tone indicates you were being very mean towards me. I'll let you off this time but next time I'm not letting you away with this, okay?

E: [silent]

B: Are you going to come down and have some breakfast now?

E: [thinking] I guess...

B: No hard feelings, okay?

E: [gets up and hugs]

B: Everything will be fine.

E: [sobbing]

B: It's okay. We all have hard days.

/

I really need to stop letting all my anger out on people. I'm doing nothing but hurting them, and I feel no remorse for any of it. What's wrong with me? People give me the world, they are out to support me in everything I do, and all I do is push them back and hurt them. I subconsciously don't want people to be near me and do everything in my power to get them out of my space. I'm afraid to let my feelings show because I don't want people to see me as weak and unwilling. I can probably link it to when I was non-verbal growing up. I had to hold in my feelings because of how afraid I was to speak.

/

B: [comforting] You're going to be completely okay. There's no need to get into a panic over any of this.

E: Pero...

B: No buts.

E: Soy la peor.

B: You're a good person with a good heart who is always putting people's interests at best. There's no need to be so hard on yourself.

/

I feel like what happened yesterday is still toying on my emotions. Or maybe just everything is coming out at once and I'm not able to continuously ignore it as I have been for well over a decade. I don't think I have learned an appropriate way to express my feelings, hence my meltdowns and how violent I am towards who I love.