The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 61 - The Little Keychain

Suddenly it seems like my world is a little brighter. The weather isn't as bad today, yeah but it's still absolutely miserable out. Maya is still asleep. We cuddled throughout the night. I feel incredibly safe and happy with her at the moment. I'm thrilled to have her around during this incredibly important part of my life. God, isn't she just gorgeous? Her face is so soft, as is her hair. I've never met someone as perfect as her. She simply *has it all*. Would it be bad to wake her now? I'd like to spend time with her before everyone else is up. She promised me something today and I'm very eager to find out what it is. 

When we came home last night, my dad sat down with me and discussed what he plans on doing over the next week while he's off, including helping me prepare for the show. Knowing that I have his support in this is giving me that confidence boost that I so bloody need right now. My dad also said he wants us to head out for breakfast at one point just go get me out of the house before midday. These weren't the only significant things he said to me, he also confessed something he hasn't been too sure of his whole life. 

My dad told me that he thinks that he might not be the cisgendered bisexual man he's always thought himself to be, but rather he identifies as someone "fluid" in terms of both identity and sexuality. Since he got with Stefan, he's been asking himself all kinds of questions. Questions he was asking himself when he was my age. He explained to me that he thought it was just a phase, but really he's suppressed it for years and it's led him to breaking point. The stress of work has been blended in with not knowing who he really is. He's terrifyingly lost and he's begging for help. The only reason my dad has come to me about this is because I came to him, crying my eyes out when I was younger, over exactly the same thing. 

Knowing the culture of Ireland during the time he was young, it was far too scary to come out. He told me stories of the friends he had who moved to Britain to get away from it, or just simply left the world the way they wanted, out of the fear of letting others choose their end. It truly is scary how this was so recent in Irish history. Living memories can recall every painful minute they faced. Things are so much better now than they were 30 years ago, but they're still not perfect. There are more things to be done. 

My dad has faced a long journey to get here. I'm still on that journey because I don't really know if I'm certain I'm non-binary, or if I'm trans-masc or trans-femme, or if I'm actually cisgender. What is my sexuality anymore? I don't know if I can call myself Lesbian anymore. I don't feel like a woman, but I don't feel like a man, yet non-binary doesn't fit me right now. I don't even feel gender fluid. Who am I or what am I?