The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 11 - The Pains Will Never Leave Me

[TW: Violence]

Maya told me that I did something that I will never forgive myself for. Never in a million years did I imagine I would be capable of causing such a thing. I physically hurt my own father.

I have no idea what happened. Did I go into a meltdown? Did I wake up in the middle of the night? Whatever it was, I seriously regret it and I never want to do it again. I can go into these frenzies where I'm not aware of my action or strength, and I can become incredibly violent and cause (sometimes serious) harm to someone. I don't want to cause harm or injure someone, but I can't stop myself from going into blinding meltdowns. It's not my fault that my senses can become muddled to the point that everything is a blur and I'm just trying to get through it.

I'm afraid of hurting my dad again. Why did I even hurt him in such a way? What's wrong with me? My dad gives everything he can to make sure I'm happy, healthy and thriving, and what do I go and do? I go and attack him. It's not like it's his fault either. It's never his fault. For fucks sake, it's never his fault. What's gonna happen if I end up hurting him pretty badly? If I cause grievous body harm? I doubt that I'll ever go that far, but what if I do?

It's not just my dad that I hurt. I hurt my sister too. She has a pretty nasty mark on her arm now that I caused. I don't know when I was even near her. Did she come into my room? I'm glad it's just a mark and not something far, far worse. Whenever I was younger, maybe about 7 or 8, I got really annoyed with her because things weren't going the way I was used to. We were out playing in the neighbourhood because I saved up enough to get new skates and I was taking the time everyday to practice using them. Val was asked to keep an eye on me, and she noticed that I was struggling a little bit. Her sisterly instincts kicked in and she tried to help, but I seemed to be shocked at the fact she tried to help me and reacted very poorly. I grabbed Val and threw her out of the way, however the way I threw her meant that she landed on her leg and I... I broke my sister's leg by throwing her on the road. I was so distressed afterwards that I ended up running away and I was missing for about 4 hours. Thankfully she understood that I was just an incredibly upset child who didn't have much emotional balance yet, but things could have gone so much more worse. A car could have hit her, I could have been kidnapped, or I could have ended up severely hurt. Val jokes about it all now, but I'm sure she wouldn't be if it was much more serious. 

Last weekend, I gave Maya a black eye while we were sleeping. I don't know why I started to act out my dream. Maya understands what has happened, but it raised a lot of questions at school. People were spreading rumours that we got into a fight, or that I went out of my way to attack her, but that simply is not true. This hasn't been a one-off incident, it's happened before. A year or 2 ago, I got really angry with her over something very small and I physically attacked her during a meltdown. We had to take her to the emergency room as I fractured her arm and broke 3 of her fingers. At school, we just told everyone that she had tripped walking downstairs. I don't know why Maya even stayed with me after that incident. I thought she was going to leave me because I crossed a line. I never apologised to her for it. I've never really acknowledged that I did what I did. I'm afraid to discuss events like that. I struggle massively to articulate my feelings in conversation and I don't want to get confused while speaking about stuff.

I've held so much back from my dad that I don't think he knows what's going on with me anymore. I need to sit down with him and discuss these things. I feel so unsettled, that's what it is. I feel unsettled at home, I feel unsettled at school, I feel unsettled with the idea of starting a whole new life. I'm scared of the idea of growing up. I haven't been taught a lot of responsibilities that I should have been by now, and I feel as if my dad may have a role in that. He did keep me away from a lot of things whenever I was young. I lacked any interaction with people my age. Ha, no wonder I have barely any friends.