The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 38 - Child Looking Over The Horizon

TW: Discussion of suicide and self harm from the beginning

[14 hours later]

The show must go on.

Last night, I spoke with Billie. He shared some breathing exercises and coping mechanisms to help me deal with everything going on.

I guess... I'm just not feeling too good right now. It's around the time of the 10 year anniversary of my first suicide attempt. I was only 7, but I already felt so hopeless and unhappy. I just felt like a burden to my family, being non-verbal and contributing absolutely nothing. Everything had to be done around me and my needs because I was just "so precious". Travelling the world made me feel so bad whenever I first recognised how the world was. I would see thousands of people in poverty-stricken situations, struggling to get by in life, and I would feel guilty that I had no way to fix it. I couldn't speak to pitch my ideas, so I was just left with my thoughts.

Things almost came to an end for me when I was up all night crying after returning from a break to somewhere in Europe that had slums. Communities forcibly displaced because the government is openly discriminating against them and more or less causing them to live on the line. Just because these communities aren't your own, does that mean it's outline to make them outcasts and isolate them to the point they're living in terrible conditions? Having seen what I saw and comparing it to everything I had, I just felt terrible. I complained when I wasn't allowed something as miniscule as a new DVD, whereas there were kids my age in these displaced communities begging for a normal home and normal life. By the age of 7 I was already well exposed to the inequalities of the world.

The guilt I felt then I still feel now, but those first few days of guilt was some of the hardest. Things almost came to an end whenever I snuck out of my room, went into the bathroom, and tried to open the bleach to drink it. I was ready to drink the full thing, but the safety lock stopped me from getting even a drop. I gave up in defeat, and walked back to my bed, only to cry myself to sleep.

I have never really told anyone about this. I have only ever really told one person, and they're not even in my life anymore. They found out accidentally, and I honestly don't know what they did with that information. Knowing my luck, they probably told my dad and tens of others.

I haven't left the bathroom since I walked in here last night. I slept in the bath because I didn't want to possibly talk with Maya about any of it. No one has even attempted to come speak to me, and that is painting the picture I've always believed is there - it's just not convenient for people to give a shit about me. If this was anyone else, the house would be rallying behind them to support them. But not me. Maybe I would've been better off dead had I succeeded 10 years ago.

{Graham's POV}

G: [opens door] Ah, you're here.

B: I couldn't just let Evin continue on like this.

M: It's been more than 12 hours and they haven't come out of the bathroom.

B: How's your arm?

M: Still sore, but not as sore as yesterday. If I had the strength I would've intervened with Evin by now.

G: Should one of us maybe try and get Evin out of there?

B: I'll go. They'll probably be fine to talk to me about things. Permiso [walks to Evin's room]

{Evin's POV}

E: [sitting on bathroom floor] What even is the point anymore?

B: [knocks door] There will be a point when you talk to me about what's going on.