The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 39 - Break down, hysteric and young

TW: Discussion of suicide and self harm from the beginning

I had another nightmare when I went back to sleep. My mother was blaming me for all the same reasons that papá was. Not only that, it felt far heavier coming from her. I don't get it. Why is it now that I'm having all these nightmares about being blamed? Why is this all that plays on my mind? Maybe if I did succeed a decade ago, everyone's lives would be easier. No one would have to deal with me constantly lagging behind. I wouldn't be hurting anyone's feelings. I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

I'm feeling hungry for the first time in days. It's something I never thought I'd feel again, considering how suppressed my body's messages have been. I probably have severe dehydration and don't realise it yet. My body is asking so much yet I haven't given it what it needs. That's just another form of self harm I suppose. I don't like who I am and I will harm myself as a way of coping with it.

M: [kisses] Good morning baby.

E: [shys away]

M: [softly] What's wrong baby?

E: I don't want anything.

M: Not even a cuddle? You know, we're home alone right now.

E: I don't want it.

M: Okay... What do you want to do then?

E: [silent]

M: Hey... what's the matter baby?

E: [in Korean] I don't wanna talk to you.

M: [pulls closer] Do you feel okay Evin? [checks temperature] You're very cold.

E: [silent]

M: You know what you need? [slowly gets out of bed] You need breakfast. I'd pick you up but... I kind of have an injured wrist.

E: [pulling duvet over head]

M: [walks over and lifts duvet] Evin! [smacks] Get up or else you're not going to be very happy. Do you hear me?

E: [ignores]

M: Hey! [smacks] Get up or else.

E: Or else what?

M: [firmly] You... you won't be able to walk.

E: [too tired to fight]

M: [softly] Come on... get up now.

E: [slowly sits up]

M: Good kid.

/

Is there something else with Maya that I'm not catching onto yet? The way she changes from being so soft to threatening my life to being soft again isn't normal. It is certainly manipulative and giving her the power since I don't really want to fight back (more out of my own laziness and unwillingness to trigger a meltdown on myself) to see what she'll really do. It's another thing she's picked up from her parents. The constant abuse of power is a problematic thing, and if we don't put a stop to it, things are going to be much worse. What's gonna happen in, say, 10 years time when she's out working? Will Maya become a workplace bully?

There's a chance in the future that Maya and I will be parents if we aren't careful with what we're doing. I don't want to be raising children with her if she's still like that. I rather the children grow up without their mother in their life than have a mother who is abusive and turns into a demon at the flick of a wrist.

There's going to be a day where someone reports her. It's not an "if", but rather a "when". When that day comes and she can't get herself out of it, it's going to be an eye opening day for her.