The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 27 - Walking Travesty

Despite what happened last night, I feel quite rested and calm when I woke up this morning. I have spent the morning making Maya feel happy, alert and ready for the new week to ensure she doesn't do anything stupid while at school. It's as if all of our problems go away when we cuddle one another. There's nothing bothering us, our differences are brushed aside, and we feel somewhat empowered in our own unique ways. I'm sure Maya feels confident in her ability to "fight" those awful post menstrual symptoms she gets in the same way I feel empowered to ignore everything that's going on with my body.

Right now we're just getting the last of the lie in before she has to get up and get dressed for the day. Having her kept calm and at bay is ideal. If she's just lying in bed, softly chatting, she's not hurting me or anyone else.

M: [softly] I might just skip school today to be with you. [strokes hair] My little baby.

E: [giggles] I think the absolute fuck not.

M: And why is that?

E: Your in school suspension will roll over to the next day, and then the next day, and the next day...

M: [silences] No need to be Mr Krabs now.

E: [playfully bites finger]

M: [yelps] Ouch!

[alarm goes off]

E: [grinning] I think it's time you got up.

M: And you?

E: I'm going back to bed.

M: Oh, are you now?

E: I am. Turn the light off whenever you're leaving.

M: [squints eyes and whispers] You're lucky there's other people in this house.

E: [yawns] Goodnight. [goes to sleep]

//

Now that I'm alone, I've had these sudden realisations about my schooling situation. It's not my fault - it's the atmosphere I'm in. My current experiences are heavily influenced by the traditional schooling methods despite being in a more modern atmosphere. I just can't cope in these places, not even with the provisions I have in place. The learning support that's there just isn't really that supportive of my needs. I'm a very complex person. One day something works perfectly for me. The next, it's useless. 

I'm not exactly happy and I'm not exactly sad. I'm just... numb. College's just part of my daily routine. Just looking at all of my assignments is filling me with anxiety and I could break down over it all. It's not exactly stressing me out, but it's tiring me. I'm afraid to ask for the help I so desperately need. I'm afraid of being judged for not being able to do or understand something, but I'm most afraid of being called out for my ability. Sometimes I wonder if the world would just be a better place without me, I obviously don't benefit society the way it wants me to. 

You know, I'm starting to regret taking up the offer to start college the way I did. I'm never really there to begin with, nor do I feel like I belong there. Sure, I'm right next to where my dad works and so many amazing places in Camden, but that's the only 2 benefits I can find right now. I'm not even sure if the music course I'm on is what I want to do. I've defied getting any sort of music qualification up to this point - I just don't believe in it. I rather play for myself than a grade. 

But do I dare talk to my dad about this? No, I definitely do not. I'm terrified of him finding out as he feels like I've finally found a place to settle and be happy when I'm really not. I'm just really good at masking how I feel. I've masked my feelings so many times in the past. He doesn't know the true feelings I have in a lot of scenarios. I just... I guess I just don't want to disappoint my dad. He tries his best to make me happy and I want him to be happy. It's a never ending cycle.