The Trials and Tribulations of a so-called Trouble Teen

Chapter 37 - Flowers on the Grave

TW: Smacking, self harm

Christ, what is wrong with me?! Smashing a plate over my dad's head?! Jesus... I haven't been like this since... Dublin. I'm horrified at the fact that I allowed myself to swoop so low. I'm not coping whatsoever - I am stressed, I am depressed, and I have growing anxiety as the days go by. My mental health has been deteriorating to the point where I am losing my sense of self. My actions have not been considered whatsoever and as a consequence, I have harmed people in ways I shouldn't have been able to. My physical capabilities are higher than I expected. For all I know, I could end up being put away for assaulting someone in a blinding meltdown. I don't want that - it's not who I am. It's obviously been pointed out to me multiple times, but I actively chose to ignore it. I made myself believe I have no problems and that it was everyone else, but oh boy was I wrong. I'm so desperately wrong that I need to make change before I slip the noose and end up with flowers on the grave.

I can tell Maya cried herself to sleep last night. Her eyes are puffy and they look painful. It's obvious she is in agony, but I don't have any sympathy for her. I don't feel sorry for her in this point in time. What has happened to her is simply the universe telling her what she has done is wrong and she needs to learn. But where does that put me on the line? I've called people all sorts of names under the sun, pushed my dad, hell even borderline assaulted him. I haven't had a chance to redeem myself and now I am just hurting myself. Something terrible is going to happen to me, I can sense it. The universe is going to pay me back through harm. Whether I do it myself or others do it to me, I am going to be seriously hurt by the time things come to an end.

Who wins in a scenario like that? No one. We are all losers. Our relationships are affected, we can't regain trust and we certainly can't just go back to normal. What I have done is unforgivable for some. I could be losing the important people in my life because of my recent actions. My world is slowly turning into a chipped vase. It might look okay at first, but slowly you see more and more chips coming off until the vase is beyond repair. That vase is then chucked and a new, better one brought in. Maybe during the process of getting rid of the chipped vase, you end up getting injured by rough edges and that leaves a bit of a scar. I can easily be replaced for many people, the scars I leave on them are very much just temporary. Maybe there will be people in my life who will want to repair me, no matter the cost it is to them. Perhaps they'll take me and turn me into some bigger and better, or just bash me to reuse.

The answer isn't to take my mind off these things, rather to take what I have done and using it to make amends. I have the power of recognising what I've done, and I can take that to make myself and my people better. I have the power of recognising what has been happening in my life that is turning me into a shadow of my former self. I have the power to seek the professional help that I need to get by in life. In order for me to take the next step, I need to speak up about how I feel and what that does to my mind. No one knows me better than I do. I've shown in the past what I can do to my emotions. I turn what's happening in my life into art. Whether that is music, art, or photography, I flip the table and create powerful messages that others can relate to. I might not notice at first, but by speaking up for myself, I speak up for millions of others.

Speaking up is so bloody empowering too. I give myself a boost by speaking to others. Simply discussing what's on my mind gives me the opportunity to find others to relate to and find coping strategies I might have otherwise not been able to get. I have a wide range of mental health services readily available to me. The only thing I need to do is to call and book an appointment. Getting a professional who understands what I'm dealing with will give me that confidence to speak about my issues. I have a lot of repressed trauma linking back to my childhood that I never fully addressed, and as I slowly mature into adulthood, I have decided getting the help will give me a better, brighter future.