I'm feeling naughty

20

Rose POV

(Trigger warning because of sensitive content, skip when the second warning comes, if you can't handle. Please search for help if you feel the need to"

It was so cute that he set the table so lovely. Well this evening didn't went as planned but it still was good though. Peep was so tensed the whole time. We drove to Taco Bell at the drive through and ate in the car.

„Well this didn't went as planned but now it's still a good evening" I smiled.
He looked a bit more relaxed now.
„Do you think so? I'm sorry it ended like this"
Yeah it was kinda dump to confound paprika and chilie, but things happen. It's not that worse.
„It's not a big deal, so calm down. Everybody makes mistakes"

I leaned over to him so I could kiss his cheek and stroke over it gently with my thumb.
He turned his head towards mine and brushed any hair back with his fingers. His forehead touched mine.
„Good damn I love you"
What? Did he just said that? I knew he would do anything for me.
„I-
I couldn't say it. It just hurt so much, I had flashbacks from everything that happened two years ago. Me, saying those word, then this whole toxic relationship, me in the hospital. I knew Gus meant this and that he treated me like I deserve it, but still. Something in my messed up brain stopped me.
He started the engine and I saw a little tear ran out of his eye. I layed my hand on his, but he shook it off. He looked so sad, but I couldn't say anything. Fuck. As we drove to his house, we didn't speak.

He parked the car and got out of it quickly. Now I was the one that messed up. He stormed in the house and I chased for him.
„Gus please stop, I-
I grabbed his hand and he looked at it confused.
„Fuck I ehm... I just don't know how to explain"
„You know what, it's okay. It's okay you don't love me. I mean how could somebody as perfect as you love someone like me, me the bad influence, me the drug addict. But you make me happy. Didn't you notice that I never did any drugs but weed when you were around? You made that I didn't need them to be happy. If you don't like me, then better go now before I spin you in my heart even more, before you break me down even more. I'm sorry for wasting your time, my dear. I thought you'd feel the same"
Tears rolled down his face and I held his arm even tighter.
„I know I'm quite dump and just stop you from living your best live, where you get your PhD and are a business woman. I know that I'm the bad influence that destroys your dream, cause I'm unstable and weird. I'm not the one you are searching for. It's just... please just go, now. I wouldn't be able to handle destroying your dream or anything. I..."

He cried so fucking much. Fuck. I really fucked up this time. It's just to much. I could archive all of this with him by my side, I don't even know what my dream is. I was just to shocked to do anything.
„Fuck I love you"
He whispered as he turned around and unleashed his arm. He walked towards the door and looked at me for a few seconds as he stood at the door. I didn't move. As he entered, I felt a tear running down my cheek.

(Skip if you can't handle now)

I started running home. I ran and ran till I finally arrived. It had started to rain and I already was completely stained. Finally in my room I took my knife and started to line my wrist. The blood ran down my arm and I watched it. It dropped on my floor. I just sat there, watching myself bleed. This helped me getting this shit out of my head for a moment. I grabbed my phone and called him a few times. Straight the answering machine. Fuck.

Gus POV
I can't believe she just didn't say anything. I fucked up, the second time tonight. Damn it. She is perfect of course she couldn't love me. How could I be so stupid and think that she likes me, even loves me.
I collapsed after the door closed. I cried quietly. I stood up and walked in my bathroom, searching for my pill box. I found it under my sink and took 5 Xanax at once. I jumped on my bed, still crying. The shirt she wore last evening still layed here. I sniffed on it, then threw it through the room. Fuck her. I stood up again and threw a glass on the wall, wich shattered into a thousand pieces. I walked to the bar in my living room and took the Dutch. As the bottle was empty, I threw it on the wall too. I stepped in some shards and my feet began bleeding. Fuck. I didn't feel anything anymore, as I reeled in my bed again. Fuck. I noticed my breathing started to get a bit weird. Fuck this mixture wasn't the best idea, like the whole evening. I just love her, but she doesn't. She hadn't spoken anything but an " I-„. It's just, I felt bad for beeing this kind of influence. Everybody always told me I was the reason they fucked up, or in high school when the parents didn't allow their children to meet me anymore. This hurt much more.

She got so important. Everybody I love, leaves me but my momma. She didn't even know her. My thoughts confused themself and I just closed my eyes and saw her. Her smile, her eyes, heared her voice, smelled her scent. I fell for her too hard. I saw her everywhere.