I'm feeling naughty

21

Rose POV
I woke up the next day feeling numb. I grabbed my phone and called him over and over. He didn't answer. My arms were covered in cuts. Shit, that escalated quickly. What is he doing? Doing drugs? Is he doing alright? I think I really hurt him yesterday. Fuck.
I snapped my sweatshirt and threw it on to cover my arms, then I stormed into Joel's room, while I started crying again.
„Joel, I'm sorry, I fucked up. I fucked up so many times. I'm so sorry for just letting you at the concert. So many things happened. Omg I-
„Calm down. Everything is alright. Start again, what happened?"
I hopped in his bed and began telling him about everything that happened yesterday.
„It's okay. Everything is alright. Why didn't you say anything after he told you?"
„I just couldn't"
It's the truth, I couldn't say it. I took my phone and called him again. Still no answer.

Me
Gus we need to talk
Please
Stop ignoring me

I was completely done. The sleeves of my sweater slid up a little and Joel saw my wrist. 
„Fuck, Rose, I thought you were done with this. It's been so hard for you to stop it and now you start doing it again because of this bastard?"
„He... well I don't know it's just that I hurt him, but I couldn't say it"
„I understand. Maybe you should tell him that it's just not easy for you to say these words."

I remembered his speech about how he was ashamed for saying it and stupid cause believing I had these feelings too and how he said he was sure that he would destroye my life and that he just isn't the one I'm searching for. This aggrieved me and another tear rold out of my eye.
„He told me that he wasn't the one I'm searching for and that he-
My voice broke.
„It's okay you couldn't say it. And it's also okay that he was offended"
„I'm scared he did to many drugs or did anything worse then this. He doesn't answer his phone, it goes straight to the answering machine. I think I should drive to him and look wether he is still alive, but I'm scared that I can't say anything again. I know he's unstable, what if anything happened yesterday after I ran home."
„Nothing happened, you should calm down first, then we'll see. But do you feel the same he does? Or did you just started thinking about it when he said it"
I thought about it. I mean he gave me the feeling I was safe, I asked myself often what this between us is, and I definitely agree that it was some kind of love. I feel something I never felt before when I'm with him, even though I don't know him for a that long time, but still he got important.
„Yes I feel the same."

Gus POV
I hadn't slept the whole night, just cried, trying to get her out of my mind. I checked my phone. 48 missed calls from Rose, 3 messages. Fuck, what did she want to tell me? I was to scared to answer cause maybe she wanted to end it completely. My whole floor was covered in shards, so I couldn't leave my bed easily. This mess was horrible. Trying to walk out of the room, I cut my feet like a thousand times and then I got in the studio room. My studio room isn't really a studio, it's just a room with my old MacBook and a microphone. I always make music when I feel down, but right now I hadn't any ideas. My head was empty, there just wasn't anything, I never experienced something like that before. Always I get some ideas, but there just weren't  these thoughts. Somehow I got to write 2 lines, but they sucked so much that I just gave up and went to the living room. Tracy sat there.
„Holy shit what happened over there?"
He pointed at the shards on the floor.
„I don't wanna talk about this"
Fastly I turned around and walked back to my room, when suddenly the door bell rang.

And there she stood, still wearing my shirt and grey swatpents , also a cap so I couldn't look in her beautiful eyes. I just looked at her, not saying anything.
„Gus ehm... Okay. So I'm not that good at talking but I'm sorry, sorry that I didn't say anything yesterday. It's just I couldn't, cause there happened some things. My ex was really violent and there happened so many thing, that I'm just scared. After the first time I said that I was in the hospital, I just have issues saying it"
She couldn't look me in the eyes.
„I understand, this hurt you. But please just give me some time and I'm really not perfect as you said yesterday. You... Well my speech isn't as touching as yours yesterday, but I hope you can understand me. The point is I really lo- like you, fuck I am so sorry. I would understand if you couldn't handle this, couldn't handle me, I'm broken, weird and just social awkward. I'm so sorry for violating you. This is all my fault and definitely not yours. So don't feel bad for saying it, or stupid or anything."

So she liked me, this almost hurt as much as not saying anything, but I'm weird too, I have problems saying some things too. I think I really do understand her, but it still injures me. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, it helped me that she said it wasn't my fault, but if I hadn't said it, there wouldn't be any problems. I looked at her, not saying anything. She stared at me waiting for an answer.
„Say something Gus, I can't handle this silence."

I still looked at her trying to handle the situation. What should I answer?
„You don't have to be scared of anything when you are around me"I said that in a low voice, which kinda comforted her.
„I'm so so sorry, this was just too much for me to handle" She took a step back and was about to walk back to the car.

„Stay here"I said quietly and I didn't knew whether she didn't want to hear it or just didn't hear it. I chased for her and grabbed her hand.
„Ey I said stay here" I'm
I pulled her to me, so she couldn't go anymore
„ When I look at you, time melts in front of my eyes. Everything else around me becomes entirely irrelevant.(A/n I really love this quote) I understand you, I don't force you to say or do anything, I would never beat you or whatever your motherfucking ex did. You don't have to be scared when you are with me. I'll keep you safe and that's a promise. Whatever is gonna come, I'll do everything for you, even if I had to kill someone. I mean I already beat up John's ass for you and if he does that again then... You know what I mean"

She laughed a bit and I could see her red swollen eyes. I hugged her even tighter, we just stood there for a couple minutes. I kissed her forehead and unleashed my hug and looked in my eyes.
„Are you fine?" She asked.
„Yes, wanna come with me inside?"
„Sure"