I'm feeling naughty

46

So I have to make a trigger warning. If you get triggered by self harm stuff easily, please skip this chapter.

Rose POV

We spent the rest of the day in bed, just talking about anything but that I am pregnant, I almost forgot about it. I felt so carefree around him. Everything just went easy and there wasn't anything else but him haunting my mind.

I forgot about my pregnancy till I had to run to the toilet and threw up. Then everything crashed around me. I wouldn't be able to do this. Bring another poor human into this horrible world that's just made of hate and meanness, where everybody smiles at you, bug when they turn around, they say what they really think.

I don't want to end just like my mother. Suddenly I had flashbacks of her. How she treated me like shit and told me it was better if I just killed myself cause if she did she'd be a criminal. How she beat me every single day when I came from school even though I was way to young to understand pretty much everything.

How she yelled at me, telling me that I suck, that I was the reason she was depressed and her life got to shit. That I destroyed it. That I made her life not livable anymore. That I was the reason the love of her life left her. That it would have been better if she had just gotten an abortion.

The room around me started to get blurry in front of my eyes and I felt tears streaming down my eyes as I saw her in front of my eyes in an blurry vision, with a belt in her hand, hitting me with it.
I closed my eyes, but the vision just got more clear. I thought I had ended this part of my life. But if you get hurt, it doesn't matter wether physically or mentally, by a person that is suppose to love you and keep you safe, is suppose to be a stability you can fall back to, when everything falls apart, you are never able to forget it. Maybe the wounds will scar, but scars will never go, scars stay till you die. Maybe they fade a little more as the time goes by, but you will see them.

I pulled up the sleeves of my pullover and stared at my wrists that were covered in those scars. Some were deeper then the others, but there were many, way too many.

I grabbed the razor blade from the sink and sat in on my wrist, then cut through it several times, deep. Over my old cut, creating new wounds. Blood ran down my arms, dropping on the floor. I hadn't cut myself since the last little fight with Gus, which had been quite a long time ago. I felt relieved when I felt the pain distracting me from the chaos in my head.

Gus stormed in, finding me sitting still in front of the toilet, in a little puddle of the red liquid, that used to flow through my veins. I had leaned my head against the wall and had shut my eyes. He got on his knees in front of me and shook me.

„Rose what the fuck? What are you doing"
He shut the door and pulled me into lap.
„Do you really think this is a solution? Cause I don't think so. What do you want to reach when you do this, at all right now. I just found out that I'm going to be a father and the only thing you do is cut yourself till you almost get unconscious? Rose you can't do this to me, you can't do this to yourself"

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I was disappointed by myself for this mental breakdown. But at least it was justified. It was one of the biggest flashback attacks I had in a while. I was so scared.
Tears were running down my cheeks and I sobbed loud in his chest, leaving his shirt wet and bloody.

„Rose, my dear, tell me what's on your mind that burdens you so much"
„There is so much you don't know about me"
That was the only thing I could bring out of my pathetic mouth.
„Then tell me"
I till sobbed and cried, my arms still bleeding.
„I'm just so scared that I become like her"
„Who's her?" he asked pulling me of the tight embrace and facing me.
„My mother, stupid" I said and wippest my tears.
It was then when I noticed that the cuts is made were deeper then I thought. My skin gaped were I sat the blade.

He grabbed my hands and looked at my wrist, not looking disgusted, but worried.
„You are going to bleed out if we leave it like that" he said while looking for a paramedic bag. He got up and I fell back to the wall.

He finally found one and firstly poured some wound desinfection on, which by the way hella burned, before covering it with a bandage.
„Why aren't you disgusted?"
„Cause I'm never dis, I'm always just Gus"
I manged to laugh even though this was quite a bad joke.
„Listen Rose, I care about you. You better talk before I'm gonna torture you to tell me what's on your mind."
I leaned back and took a deep breath.
„I asked you something first and I want a real answer instead of a cute, goofy joke"
He looked deep inside my eyes. Suddenly he pulled up his sleeves and legs of his trousers, showing me some scars. They seemed quite old, and they had fade aways so much that you could only see them if you look closely, I think you wouldn't even identify them as scars if you wouldn't know it, cause they were covered by his spotting tattoos.

„See, I used to do it too, as I already told you. I can completely understand why you do it, how it feels and stuff. I know how addicted you can get to this and how hard it is to stop. People are always like: Oh god! You cut yourself! You gotta be a psycho! Just stop it!, but I know it's not that easy. I found another, neither healthy way to cope, I think you know what I mean, but that's not okay for you to do with our little sunshine inside you. So please stay strong and talk to me, before cutting yourself. Alright?"
I stared at him, not knowing what I should say.
„Let's go back to my room, I'm gonna tell you everything you want to know."

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So now you got a little view into the emotions of Rose. I'd like to hear your opinion about it. What do you think happened to Rose then what she thought about? Thanks for reading this🖤