fearless

Chapter 21: Dead Thoughts

Chapter 21:

As the shaky arms of Amanda Blugelburg push me forward toward the chasm, I see a body being pulled out of the chasm.

I see black combat boots at first, then I see black pants and a black jacket. The body build reminds me of someone I know, though. I look around and don't see any of my other friends, except for Ashton, who seems panicked. I pull him towards Amanda and I and he squints his eyes as he looks over at me.

"What's going on?" He asks me, and I shake my head.

"I think someone must have jumped in the Chasm or something, but she brought me here." I say, then point to Amanda, who is jumping up and down to see who the dead person is.

When the men get close to pulling the whole body out, they yank the body out onto the gurney that they have already prepared.

I pull both of them forward as I make it to the front of the crowd. I look at the blonde hair and the pale skin. His lip piercing glints in the darkness, and I begin to hyperventilate. He's probably dead because of you, my mind tells me.

I gasp, then continue to stare as the men pull the ropes that they used to get him out of the Chasm away from his body.

My eyes become teary in less than a second. I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle the massive sobs that are about to rack my body.

I can help but get a gigantic wave of hurt in my chest, my mind still telling me that his sudden death is completely and totally my fault.

The Dauntless men lift his flimsy body, with the absence of life, onto the gurney. As the men roll him away over the bumpy rock, his body sometimes swaying on the gurney, I do the only thing I can think of. I cry.

I fall into Ashton's body, and look at Amanda, who's eyes are filled with sadness as she looks at me. Ashton wraps his arms around me as the crowd begins to thin, and I close my eyes.

I continue to cry, and then I pull away slowly. "He died because of me." I say and Ashton shakes his head before he pulls me to his body again.

"You didn't kill him, Maddie. He made a choice the second he jumped off of that bridge, over that railing." Ashton says as his arm stays across my back, near my neck as he holds my shoulder with his hand. I just sob once again. When I finally pull away, I notice that Amanda is now gone. Everyone is gone now, and it's just Ashton and I.

I wipe my eyes as I look back at the columns and see nothing but blackness. I turn back and see Ashton look down at his watch. He looks back up and licks his lips. "I kinda have to get to work, so... are you gonna be okay? My boss kinda wants to fire me because I keep coming in late." He says and I nod.

"I'll be fine, Ashton. Thanks for just letting me cry like that, though." I say and he nods, then turns to walk off. I smile, but then look at the Chasm and frown.

I feel the tears coming back again so I do the one thing that I've wanted to do ever since I got back from Erudite.

I run home.

Not to my home, of course, but to my parents' house. The house that smells like sugar and vanilla and warm cookies. The house that's so dimly lit that you can only see the sparkle in someone's eyes, but nothing else.

I run quickly to my parents' house, ignoring everyone around me and focusing only on my inner thoughts, which kill me anyway, but now they seem reassuring.

As I run through the Rocky maze that is my home faction, I think of Steven and how different we were. I guess we really weren't meant to be. I didn't want to be with him, especially after I found out about him getting high all the time.

I then think about it. Maybe he really did jump because of me, because of the rumors that were floating around the faction. I almost cry when I think about it. I caused another death.

By now, I've made it halfway to my parents house, salty tears now flowing freely down my face.

I sprint the rest of the way to my house, and when I make it there, I knock on the door.

My mother opens the door with a smile, and it quickly fades when she sees me. "Maddie? Maddie what's wrong?" She asks me as she pulls me in the house and shuts the door. She hugs me and it reminds me of Ashton hugging me. I told him I was fine but in reality, I'll never be fine.

"He's dead." I say in between cries as I remember the men pulling Steven's body from the depths of the trash-filled Chasm. I breathe in and smell the vanilla, the sugar, the warm homemade cookies. I cry even more. "Steven Colsen is dead."

I feel so vulnerable right now. I never, well, hardly ever, cry. I never let my emotions get the best of me like this. I guess now, I just have to find a way to get over it.

>>

I sit on the balcony at my parents' house, my father by my side. The breeze blows my hair back, and I look out at the Erudite Sector, remembering how I was being held there and Steven didn't even bother to speak to me.

That's when I realized that we didn't seem to click, that we didn't really need to be together. It hurt me so much to just leave someone like that. It messed with my head a little bit, and I still feel like I'm not ready to date just because I don't want to be hurt again.

Jordan and Steven both hurt me, they hurt my heart and I don't think that my heart will ever heal, and if it does, it won't be healing anytime soon.

"Dad," I say, looking over at him.

"Hm?" He asks.

"You've been here before. How, How will I know when I'm ready to date again? I mean, I can't let myself keep thinking of Jordan or Steven, Colsen, I mean. they hurt me, Dad." He stares out at the city skyline, and I look down. I'm crazy for thinking that he'll have the answer to my problem. I continue talking.

"My heart hurts. I just, I don't know. Olivia keeps telling me to date because I'm so lonely. She says it'll help me get over whatever I'm going through, but, I don't know if I'm ready." I say, looking over at him. He still holds onto the balcony railing, just like me.

"Well, Maddie, I don't really know. I just know that you're going to meet a guy, and you'll know, You'll know that he's the perfect guy. If you don't feel a connection, a click, then you know that it's not meant to be." He looks over and raises his eyebrows.

"But I promise," he continues, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear as he walks forward, closer to me. "I promise that someday, you'll find the perfect guy." He raises his eyebrows and I nod.

Maybe I'll find someone. Maybe soon. I've been lonely for so long already, and I just want to be held in someone's arms. I just want to have someone to talk to. I'm tired of being alone.

A/N: ****rewritten on 7/21/16
Shocker! Did the suspense kill you? Or did you know that it was going to be Colsen already? I guess I might have given the answer away whenever I made him so "Depressed" in the last chapter. Leave your answer in the comment section. Also, just so you know... I was co authoring Detergent with one of my friends, Maddie, until she gave me her account. She complained that she got too much negative criticism while she was writing. So... That's why some of the authors notes are from "Maddie."