fearless

Chapter 15: Trying to Tell Him

Chapter 15:

I wake up the next morning with a headache. I sit up in bed, and aching, searing pain slowly covers my body like jelly falling out of a jar-slow. I grimace, and open my eyes. All I see is dark, but over the years, I have adjusted to the natural darkness of the Dauntless Headquarters, so I can see, but only slightly.

I'm in my old bedroom at my parents' house.

As soon as I try to think of the endless multiple reasons that I could be here, the memories of last night come flooding back into my mind.

The Fight, The shoulder bump, the knife against my throat, and the gunshot.

I break down as soon as I think of his name. I can't even think of what will happen to me since I fatally shot one of my own faction members.

I look at the clock that hangs loosely on one of the thin walls, and see in the glint of the sunrise coming from my tiny window that it is nearly seven o'clock in the morning.

I decide that I just want to run. I might go to my apartment, so I put on some clothes, which are just leggings and a tight t-shirt and my shoes. It's when I'm putting on my shirt that I look into the mirror and see my sides. They're so purple that they're almost black. I cringe, then run a finger over the skin and feel nothing but searing pain. I look disgusting, I look gross.

I then feel as if I'm going to gag just by looking at my bruises any longer, so I walk out of my room, far away from the mirror.

I feel a sudden chill, so I walk into Hunter's old room and over to his closet. I reach in and pull out one of his hoodies, then pull it over my head. I don't bother to pull my hair out from the hoodie, rather I just pull the hood over my head. I sigh, then walk downstairs quietly.

I open the door of my parents' house almost silently, cringing and stopping for a second, then walk out, shutting the creaky door behind me quietly.

I walk aimlessly through the dark, narrow hallways of the Dauntless Headquarters. When I finally make it to the Chasm, I sit on the edge of the rocky, pebble covered, jagged edged, cliff.

I watch as the water crashes against the light grey rock, making it a darker grey, almost black. Then I hear footsteps from the hallway near the chasm.

I still sit down where I am, my legs already soaked, turning a darker black. I ignore whoever it is. Even if someone were to come by and push me into this Chasm, I'd let them. If I would've died when I was kidnapped, Daniel would still be alive.

I bury my head into my knees and cry silently.

As the heavy footsteps become louder, I recognize who they belong to, and I just sigh.

Minutes Later, the person emerges from the dark, emergency lamp lit hallway, and I sigh when I see Steven.

I turn my head, but he's already seen my face. I hear his fast footsteps and sigh. He comes and sits beside me, breathing heavily. "I went to your apartment, but you weren't there." He says sadly, his voice trailing off at the end.

"Yeah I came here," I say. I let my body fall backwards, into a laying position, where my feet are on the rock as well.

Steven still sits up. "Whathappenedlastnight?" He says quickly; so quickly that I can't understand what he even said.

"What?" I ask him as I sit up slightly since laying down hurts my ribs.

"I said, What happened last night?" He repeats, and I'm sure my face pales. "What happened, Maddie?" He asks, running a hand down my side.

"Ouch!" I yelp, then slap his hand away. He furrows his eyebrows. "I still have bruises there, you Asshole." I sigh. He bites his lip, and I bury my head into my knees once again. I guess that I have to come out and tell someone.

But I can't. I can't. There's something inside of me screaming that I shouldn't tell him. "I... I.... I can't." I say shakily as I look up from my knees. I stand up and look down into the Chasm waters. I feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks and I cry out before I turn and run.

I don't know where I'm going; I don't know what I'm doing; I just know that I'm running and that Steven-Colsen is somewhere behind me.

I finally stop and hide in a shadowy, hidden part of the hallway, as I hear footsteps. "Maddie?" Concern drops from his words and cuts through the air like a sharp knife. I almost roll my eyes at him.

It's all fake concern, my mind whispers to me as if it's standing at the opposite end of the hallway, He never gave a fuck about you. You were probably one of his many girlfriends. He's probably just waiting for you to open up to him so that he can use you for sex. I bite my lip to keep the tears back.

I hear him coming closer and I have to hold my breath to keep from breaking down.

"Maddie?!" He screams for me, before running past me and on into a greater darkness. I then tiptoe and run out to into the light. I see the other Dauntless begin to emerge out into the Pit and the Chasm and I almost cry.

I'm headed for the Net corridor, where Hunter lives. It's all the way across the compound, so I run as fast as I can.

It's on the opposite side of the Dauntless Headquarters from where Steven was last, so I climb up the staircase and rush down the second floor hallway. As I stand in front of my brother's door. I sigh. Why am I running? What am I so afraid of? I can't give into my fear, or I'll never survive.

I sigh. I don't know what I'm going to do next; but I know that I have to do something. I stare at the number on Hunter's door, and I begin to cry. I cover my mouth with my hand to mask the sobs.

I then shake my head as I turn and run back downstairs. I run past the net, and then race out of the compound to the train tracks. I push past people, but I eventually get there.

The cold winter air burns the skin on my face, but I don't feel it through the adrenaline. It might not even be the air, it might be the tears that are drying on my face.

I hear the familiar train horn, and I run. I jump up to try to grab the handle and I miss. I sprint, then I eventually grab the handle, and jump into the small train car. I wait, my back on the wall of the train.

I don't know where I'm going, but for now, I'll ride the train.

And I'll ride the train until the end of the line, and then I'll jump.

a/n: ****rewritten on 7/20/16